


Pull My Trigger

by Angel_made_of_scars



Series: Leading Into A Life [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Aspergers, Autism, Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle - Freeform, Emotional Trauma, F/M, Flashbacks, Hospitalization, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sexualities, Stim Toys, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:55:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6054115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is upset. He's frustrated and angry, there's smoke billowing up around him, and... Cas looks strange.</p><p>This explains what Cas' big secret is, and delves into past abuse. The story about Cas trying to find out who he likes in funny ways, but with a sad story tied in. Oh and they totally kiss.</p><p>Possible trigger warning for abuse.<br/>You do need to read the first two for this to make sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pull My Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, you guys. It's finally here! The long awaited third chapter. The longest One so far. Let me know what you think! :)

Dean sighed and walked the hall. It was days like these that he disliked. The rain made his mood drop, and often he was tired all day. Cas seemed quiet on these days, and didn't like watching the cars go through the water, so nights became more stressful. Watching the cars, after all, made Cas tired enough to sleep.

As Dean walked, he realized something was off. Where was Cas anyway? He usually met him by the stairs at this time, and yet, approaching the steps, Cas was nowhere in sight. Just as he was about to go looking, a hand grabbed his shoulder. The hand forcefully turned him, and he knew immediately it wasn't Cas behind him.

"We need to talk Winchester."

"Damn Jo, last names? What have I done this time?" Dean smiled.

"It's not what _you ___did, it's what your dumbass boyfriend did." Jo snapped. Deans smile dropped and turned to a scowl.

"Don't you _dare ___insult Cas, you hear me?" Dean growled. Jo backed up a step, but didn't get less defensive.

"Why is your boyfriend making out with my girlfriend?!" Jo demanded. Deans eyes widened.

"You're gay?" Dean said is surprise. They were both quiet for a moment, then Jo spoke up.

"I'm bi. What, you didn't know that?"

"No... I mean, yeah, that's cool, you're, uh, gayness. But I have no idea what your talking about." Dean said.

"But you're always together, you must know." Jo said pleadingly.

"Look, I'm not- he's not my boyfriend. We're not... A thing. I truly have no idea, I'm as surprised as you are. The guy has no interest in anyone as far as I know." Dean said. It was a lie of course, as the text from Sam instantly popped into his head. But then, he didn't know the details of that.

"Look, I should go find him. He's been real tense the last few days. You know, we spent that week at the apartment after he got hurt, I think he's having a hard time getting back into it." Dean said.

"Yeah... Yeah, you're probably right. Why would he be interested in Charlie, right?" Jo said. She tried to laugh, but Dean could see it bothered her. He was going to say something, but as he opened his mouth, Charlie rounded the corner with none other than Cas.

"It's ok, I know what it looks like, but I've been given full permission to explain." Charlie said quickly.

"Permission? From who?" Jo snapped.

"From Cas. Look, he said he wanted to practice on someone who wouldn't care. I tried to explain that I couldn't, but he just went for it. And when I pushed him back so we could talk... He saw you, Jo, and he freaked out."

That sounded like Cas. Except for the kissing part.

"Why?" Dean asked. All three looked at him, but Cas looked at his forehead. He could tell he was trying not to make eye contact.

"I don't know. He just went quiet after he saw Jo. I asked if I could explain to her, and he nodded, but he hasn't said anything." Charlie explained.

"Ok, Cas, hey. Look at me, just for a second. Look at me eyes." Dean said quietly. He touched Cas' hand and moved his fingers until he was at Cas' shoulder.

"Cas, do you see angry? Do my eyes look angry?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head.

"Good, see? I'm not upset. I'm confused, but I'm not upset. We don't have to talk about it if-"

Cas shook his head rapidly. Deans eyebrows scrunched but he tried not to look concerned.

"Ok, we won't talk. You don't seem to wanna talk about anything. You want it to be a quiet day?" Dean asked. He nodded.

"Ok, no more talking then. Come on, let's get to class, ok?" Dean said. He waved at Charlie and Jo, who looked worried, but thankfully didn't say anything.

At the beginning of the semester, Dean had talked to the guidance counselors, and the professors, and even the "Big Dick", Richard Roman, who ran the whole campus. He had managed to get him and Cas in all their classes together. That is, except this one. Dean needed to take mechanics, it's what he loved. And this religious class was something Cas loved. He felt awful leaving him, but if anyone knew what to do, it was Dr. Bass.

Adam Bass had been through some things, and rumor had it that he had nervous breakdowns a few years ago. If things did go ass up, Dean knew Adam would know what to do for Cas.

Because Adam knew about Cas, when they walked in a few minutes late to ancient religions, and Dean nodded at the teacher, he knew Cas wouldn't be in trouble.

They headed to the front left corner, where Dean discovered, to his dismay, only one seat. It wasn't the exact left corner, like Cas liked. It was beside that one. Dean noticed Cas' posture change, and he rubbed his shoulder gently.

"It's ok, you can sit there." Dean whispered. Cas shook his head, and seeming to notice them, the kid in his seat looked up.

"Did... Did you need this seat?" He whispered. Cas signed yes, and to Deans surprise, the kid started signing back.

"Hey, look, Cas needs this spot." Dean interrupted. The kid looked scared for moment, and Dean realized then that he may be just that, a kid. In fact, he looked small compared to Dean.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm new, a transfer. I didn't know this seat was taken. I'm sorry." He stuttered.

"No no, it's... It's fine, just, can you scoot over one seat?" Dean asked. He nodded and moved quickly, letting Cas sit down.

"You gonna be ok?" Dean asked. Cas nodded.

"Alright, I'm just a few minutes away if you need me." Dean smiled. He stood up, waved to Adam, and as he left, he could feel Cas' eyes on him.

* * *

"So, um, what's your name?" He asked, at the end of class. Cas looked over. Was he speaking to him?

"I'm Kevin. I just got here late. I'll be moving into the dorms though soon, and I'll take classes here, so you'll see more of me." Kevin smiled. Cas tilted his head.

"Are... Can you... I mean, I don't wanna be rude. Are you... Deaf?" Kevin asked. Cas shook his head.

"Can you not talk?"

Another shake.

"Why aren't you talking?" Kevin asked.

'Quiet day' Cas signed.

"Oh, ok. So, like mute, but by choice?"

Cas nodded. Kevin smiled and stood up.

"Yeah, I knew I guy that did that. He called it 'quiet day' too. Stayed quiet for days and then would talk like nothing happened. I usually ended up doing most of the talking though. Is that ok? Or, am I boring you?" Kevin asked.

As he stood up, and put his notepad and books in his bag, he thought about it. Kevin was nice. Like Dean, and Charlie. He was younger, but he seemed like he wanted to be friends.

'No. You're interesting. Are you my friend?' Cas signed. Kevin laughed, and Cas found that, surprisingly, it wasn't too loud. Just like Deans.

"I guess I am your friend, if you want me to be. Listen, my apartment is still getting set up, but if you want to we could hang out? It looks like the rain has let up for a little while." Kevin said. Cas thought it over.

Would Dean be upset if he went with Kevin? It was his last class. Does Kevin have money? Deans father had won the lottery twice before he died, so Dean always had money, and always gave him money to use, but he hated using it. The money was why Dean didn't work, and they afforded the apartment. If he used it, they might lose that.

Then again, Kevin might not want to eat. He might just want to walk around. Maybe he should ask Dean if it was ok to-

"It's ok to say no, I don't mind. I know you just met me, so I understand if you wanna wait." Kevin said cooly. Cas squinted at him.

Kevin was... Nice. He was incredibly nice. In fact, for the first time in a long time... He felt comfortable with the idea of going somewhere with someone other then Dean.

'Yes K-E-V-I-N. Can we stay around here?' Cas signed.

"Yeah, sure. Wanna go to the park?" Kevin asked. Cas dipped his head, and they set off.

* * *

As Dean strode to Cas' class, he was baffled by what he saw. Cas was walking beside the new kid, listening to him intently. If fact he even looked... Happy. The guy obviously didn't drag him into conversation, because although Cas is polite, if he didn't want to be somewhere, he'd just say goodbye and leave. Yet there they were, chatting away.

As he got closer, he could tell it was only the kid talking. Cas wasn't saying a word, but he was listening.

"Cas, hey. Hi again, uh..."

"I'm Kevin."

"Kevin, right. Ready to go?" Dean asked sharply.

"You guys... Are together?"

"No, uh, not like that." Dean said... Right as Cas signed 'yes'.

"No, I mean, we live together, but were not dating. We're roommates." Dean explained. Cas nodded.

"Oh. Well, Cas, if you need to go, we could hang out some other time." Kevin said. Cas shook his head.

"Did he- I mean, did you guys have plans?" Dean asked. Cas nodded.

"Oh. Well uh... I don't need him back for anything." Dean said. It struck him immediately that he sounded like a protective mother.

"I mean, go ahead Cas. You sure you're ok to go? You seemed a little out of it today." Dean said.

'I'm alright. I'll be right back.' Cas signed. Dean smiled, but it was strained. He watched Cas head to the bathroom, and when he turned back, the new kid was watching him.

"I'm Kevin Tran. I just moved so I got here a little late, but I'm in a few classes here." Kevin said politely. Dean shook his hand, and made sure to grip hard.

"I'm Dean. Winchester." He said.

"Cool. Will I see you around?" Kevin said.

"Yeah, maybe. Listen, let me give you my cell number. Cas can call if he needs to. I sound like a stalker or something, but you'll thank me if something goes wrong." Dean said. Kevin scrunched his eyebrows, but he fished out his phone anyway, and handed it over.

"Look, I know we just met, and I don't want to get off on the wrong foot here, but I mean... There's nothing wrong with him. I mean just because he goes mute doesn't mean he's trouble." Kevin said.

"Are you... Are you being protective?" Dean asked. Kevin looked uncomfortable, but he didn't back down.

"Well... Yes. Because, there's nothing wrong with him." Kevin said. He tried to stand taller, but Dean practically towered over him.

"Look, Kevin. I appreciate that, I do. In fact, that makes me feel better about him going with you. And I know, he's not a child, I don't need to look out for him, but... He's different. He's got autism. He could panic, or go mute, or start crying, or get over excited... I'm just worried about him. So don't hesitate to call me. I mean if anything happens. If he so much as starts humming a little tune I might need to come get him." Dean explained. Kevins eyes softened and he seemed to understand.

"Ok, I'll let you know if anything happens. I promise." Kevin said.

"Hey, and he hurt his foot a few days ago. So watch for a limp." Dean said.

"Got it." Kevin chuckled. This guy was way over protective, but in a sweet way.

As Cas walked out of the bathroom, they both turned. Kevin looked at Cas, while Dean looked at Kevin. He really did seem nice. A couple years younger, sure. Careless, no- carefree. Probably smart, since he was in this religions class. He might be a good friend for Cas. A good influence. As long as he didn't go to far. If he ended up hurting Cas, Dean might end up hurting good ol' Kevins teeth.

"Ready to go?" Kevin asked. Cas nodded. He looked at Dean and smiled before they walked away.

* * *

Dean saw them through the window. He watched as they walked towards their building. Holding hands.

He could pretend he wasn't jealous. He could act ok with it, and say goodbye to Kevin when they came up. Or he could break his fist against a wall. But then, that wouldn't be right. Cas was grinning from ear to ear, and besides, he might ask questions about a hole in the drywall.

As they got closer, he could see that Kevin had a flower behind his ear. A dandelion. No doubt Cas' doing.

Dean knew it had to happen eventually. Cas would get a girlfriend, and want time with them. But then, this was a guy. And Sams text mentioned a guy. Was he gay? Maybe. Or maybe he didn't have any idea that it was any different. Maybe he was bi.

When they eventually came inside, Cas' cheeks were red, and he almost looked... Embarrassed. Dean walked over, and Kevin pulled his hand quickly away from Cas.

"Hey, how did the walk go?" Dean asked politely. As if he didn't already know.

"He got a little scared by a butterfly, but it was good." Kevin said, smiling awkwardly. Cas reached out and took the flower from behind Kevin's ear, then walked away.

"A butterfly scared him?" Dean asked.

"Yeah. He wanted that flower, but when he picked it up, a butterfly flew by. He stood real still, but it went past the flower, and landed on his face. He kinda squealed, but I took it off, and it flew away unharmed." Kevin explained.

"Why did you have the flower on your ear though?" Dean asked.

"He uh... He put it there."

Figures. Cas always was a romantic.

"Well, glad it went ok. Did you need a ride across campus, or are you just gonna walk? It looks like it might start raining again any minute." Dean said. To be honest he didn't care, but Kevin was a nice kid. He shouldn't spite him just because of jealousy.

"Actually, I live here now. Just down the hall at the end. I-I got the room before I met you guys, I'm not stalking you." Kevin said quickly. Before Dean could respond, Cas came back with the flower in a plastic cup.

"Do you want it?" Cas asked. They both blinked in surprise.

"You're voice is back."

"You're voice is _deep ___."

Dean smiled. No matter who it was, they were always impressed by Cas' voice.

"Right, yeah, I'll take it. Unless you want it." Kevin said. Cas nodded and walked away, putting the flower on the table, in the very center.

"Goodbye." Cas said promptly, turning and walking to the bedroom. Kevin grinned.

"He sure doesn't hold back does he?" Kevin chuckled. Dean nodded.

"Well, I guess he's tired, so... See you around?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, for sure." Kevin said, sticking out his hand. They shook, and Kevin walked out the door, waving as he shut it behind him. Dean slumped against the wood and sighed.

* * *

"Cas, we need to talk." Dean said. Cas looked up from his dinner, chicken, macaroni, and green beans, to meet Deans eyes.

"Yes?" Cas asked.

"Cas, have you ever heard of 'coming out'?" Dean asked. Cas thought for a moment.

"Yes, I recall you "coming out" to me." Cas quoted. Dean smiled at his finger quotes.

"Well, see, I know it can be... Hard. It can be terrifying. And, I know you don't want to talk about it, but you did kiss Charlie. And you held hands with Kevin. I just wondered if... You might want to come out to me." Dean said awkwardly. Cas looked at him for a minute, then tilted his head and squinted.

"I don't follow."

"When you kissed Charlie, did you feel... Anything? Did you like her hair, or her boobs?"

If anything, Cas looked more confused now. The poor guy had no idea what he was talking about.

"With girls, do you want to kiss? Hold their hand? Have sex?" Dean asked. Cas' eyes lit up, and his face turned pink.

"I... I wouldn't be apposed." Cas said quietly.

"And what about Kevin? Did you want to... Do things with him?" Dean asked.

"Not yet. But after I know him... I would not be apposed to that either." Cas said bluntly.

"So you would have a relationship with a boy or a girl?" Dean asked.

"I'm sure... If I liked the person, I would have a relationship with anyone. Is this about gender? I'd have a relationship with anyone, no matter what gender." Cas said surely.

Dean had heard of this. He quickly held up his finger and pulled out his phone, searching for a moment on the internet, while Cas kept eating.

"Cas, you're pansexual. Or, the way you described it, maybe demisexual? Do you know what those mean?" Dean asked.

"I remember hearing them. Dean, I really don't care about titles." Cas said. Dean dipped his head, and put his phone down.

"Is it important to you?" Cas asked. Dean swallowed and looked back at him.

"Nah, just curious I guess." Dean lied.

"Did I come out to you? Just now?" Cas asked.

"Well, I guess you did, sort of."

"Ok, can I have more macaroni?"

* * *

The next few weeks, things got strained. Cas and Kevin spent more time together. In fact, every time they walked together, they held hands, even when Dean was there. Every day Dean became more and more jealous.

It had to reach a tipping point. This just happened to be it. It had been three weeks since they met Kevin, and Cas was saying goodbye for the night, after going out for a night walk with both Dean and Kevin. He stopped and stared at Kevin, just watching him. Then, he took one of Kevin's hands in both of his, and looked at it. Dean went pale.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Cas asked.

"Uh- no. Why?" Kevin asked.

"Do you have a boyfriend? Do you like boys?"

"I like boys, no boyfriend though."

"May I kiss you?"

Kevin's eyes went wide. Obviously, he hadn't been expecting quite that. But he surprised Dean. He didn't look disgusted, or offended.

"Charlie said I have to ask." Cas said. Kevin grinned.

"Yeah, that'd be ok."

Dean walked away quickly, before he could see anything. He went into the apartment, and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

When Cas came back about ten minutes later, he was worried. Dean slammed the door. Dean was loud. He was only loud when he was angry. But he didn't know what made him angry. Maybe if he tried to apologize.

Cas went to the bedroom, but Dean was already asleep. In fact, he was spread out so that Cas couldn't fit beside him. And he was in his own bed.

He was worried. He didn't mean to make Dean angry. Had he done something wrong? Or maybe Dean was angry at something else? Sometimes he got angry at the tv. But he had only been gone a few minutes. Dean had barely had time to fall asleep, much less watch a show.

Maybe he was gone longer. He had kissed Kevin for at least five minutes. Maybe ten. Kevin said they should stop "making out" eventually. Was making out considered kissing for ten minutes or longer? Was it quality or time length? Right, Dean.

"Dean? Are you awake?"

No response.

"Did I do something wrong?" Cas asked. Dean grunted, and rolled over. The answer he got wasn't what he wanted.

"Go 'way."

Cas whimpered, but he didn't cry. Instead, he took his bear, the blanket off his bed, and Deans phone. He knew it would happen. Dean would want him gone. He went to the door, and walked out. He felt the green feeling come back. Then the blue. Then he cried.

* * *

Cas got half way out of the building before he realized he had no idea what to do. Could he go to Kevin? No, when he talked to Kevin, Dean got angry. Even if he was gone, he didn't want to anger Dean further. Could he go to Gabriel? No, he went to sleep early, or went to parties. If he was at a party, he didn't wanna go. It was only nine o' clock though. Maybe he could call someone?

Cas opened Deans phone and looked through the contacts. There was Bobby, but he didn't know him that well. There was Gabriel, and Kevin, but he had already thought of them. The next choice was Meg, but if he went there, she might make him take pills. Then there was... Sam.

Sam was Deans brother. He might know why Dean got upset. He liked Sam well enough. Maybe he could go stay with him until he could move his stuff.

He hit the call button, and as it rang, he continued down the steps. He didn't want the elevator tonight. He could feel his heart speeding up, his breathing becoming harder.

He counted the steps. Dean had showed him that it helped. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, break. Step, step, step. Breathe deep. One, two, three,...

"Hello?" Sam answered.

"Quiet." Cas croaked out.

"Cas? Hey, I'll be quiet. What's wrong?" Sam asked.

"Come." Cas whimpered. He knew he was crying but he didn't really register it. Sam said something, but he didn't know what. He gave up on trying to figure out. He was almost jogging now, feet hitting the floor, counting lost. As he reached the sixth floor, his legs gave out. He grunted as he fell, then crawled to a corner in the stairway.

"Come. Stairs. Sixth." Cas whimpered, then hung up. He curled into a ball, pulling the blanket around him. Sam called back, but he turned the phone off. The silence in the stairway was deafening, but it was better then the mechanical ringing. He could wait for Sam. He could do it. He could.

* * *

"Cas? Cas!" Sam called.

"Maybe not sixth step, maybe sixth floor?" Jess suggested.

"Right, yeah. You try the elevator, stop at each floor just in case. I'll try the stairs. Meet me at six." Sam said. Jess nodded, and they split up.

Somehow, this was Deans fault. He knew it. Dean wouldn't purposefully hurt Cas, but if he had screwed everything up accidentally? Who knows what could happen.

As he neared the fifth floor he was panting. Sure, he was in good shape, but going up the stairs would do that. He knew he was on the right track when he heard the singing. It was quiet, so quiet, but he could still make out twinkle twinkle little star.

As he tiptoed nearer, he got more worried. There was a sound, back and forth. It was rhythmic, but it wasn't his humming. He was horrified when he saw what it was.

Cas was scratching his arm. Back and forth, back and forth. There was blood under his fingernails and all over his arm. It was making a wet noise. It wasn't as bad as it could be, but it was pretty bad. He was in a trance, probably didn't even feel it, but he had scratched himself raw. He was singing in a whisper, and there were tears all over his face. He was rocking slowly, in time with the words. It looked like a scene from a horror movie.

"Cas... Cas, you hear me? It's me, it's Sam. It's Deans brother. You're gonna be ok Cas. I'm going to help you." Sam said quietly. He inched closer. Then, Cas stopped rocking.

"Cas... It's Sam. Do you recognize me?" Sam asked. Cas didn't answer. He didn't even move. He just stared into space, singing softly. His hand slowly stopped moving too, which Sam was thankful for.

"Cas, my girlfriend is coming. Her name is Jessica. I call her Jess. Don't be afraid of her. She's going to help us, ok?" Sam said. Again, no response from Cas.

Jess opened the door to the sixth floor, rushing in to check. Sam quickly silenced her and pointed. She covered her mouth.

"Very quiet. Very slow." Sam said. She did as he said, shutting the door slowly, and stepping forward, hiding behind Sam a little.

"I'm gonna try to get him up, carry him I guess. I think he's in shock or something." Sam said. Jess nodded.

"Be careful." She said quickly.

Sam stepped forward. He reached out a hand, and was pleased that Cas didn't move away. He wasn't so happy that Cas didn't show any reaction at all.

"Cas, I'm going to touch your arm now. Don't move, ok?" Sam said. He slowly moved Cas' still fingers away from his raw arm, and lifted it to see better. His body was rigid, and as Sam let go of Cas' arm, it didn't drop. Instead, Sam moved it back towards Cas' side.

"I'm gonna pick you up, alright?" Sam said. Cas stopped singing.

"Cas? You there?" Jess asked timidly.

"No." Cas said quietly. Then he began rocking again.

"Cas, you've hurt yourself. We need to fix it. I've got to get you somewhere so that we can fix it." Sam said. Cas mumbled incoherently, not making any sense, before finally getting it out.

"Itch... Is itch..."

"It's... It itches? That's why you scratched yourself so bad?"

"Still."

"Still what?" Sam asked. There was a beat of silence, where Cas tried hard to think. Then he managed to speak.

"Itches."

"Ok. Still itches. Um... Jess, I need you to go up to Deans apartment. Find anything you can to clean him up. Bandages, gauze-"

"I've got a pad." Jess said.

"A... A what now?" Sam asked.

"A pad. I usually carry tampons, but I always keep one pad just in case. We can hold it on there to keep it from bleeding. Not the best, but it'll work for now." She suggested.

"God, you're amazing. Give it to me." Sam said. Jess fished it from her pocket, then produced the pad. Sam tore it open, and gently pressed it to Cas' arm. He hissed, but Sam took that as a good sign.

"Burns." Cas whispered. For the first time, his eyes flicked down to his arm, and he looked horrified.

"It will burn. You hurt yourself pretty bad." Sam said. He took off his flannel and tied it gently around Cas' arm, holding the pad in place.

"S-Sorry-" Cas whimpered.

"Hey, no, it's ok. You didn't mean to."

"What now? We have to get him out of here." Jess said.

"Yeah, ok. I'm sorry buddy." Sam said. He lifted him in one fluid motion. Cas instantly started flailing. He made a choked noise, then became panicked.

"No! Sam!" He yelled. Sam stopped and set him down.

"Cas, you with us?" Jess asked.

"I... Itch. Door. Kiss." Cas slurred.

"What the hell does that mean?" Sam whispered.

"I don't know. I mean, he's trying his best, but... I have no idea." Jess said.

"Well... We need to calm him down. That's all I know. Just keep his hands down, I'll do what Dean does." He said.

Sam cautiously sat down and put a hand on Cas' shoulder, then pulled him back until he was sitting in between Sams legs. He gently coaxed him backwards, and eventually he was laying against Sams chest. Jess lowered Cas' arms every time he went scratch, but it didn't seem to help that much.

"Cas, it's ok. It's Sam. You have to try to breathe, ok?" Sam said. Cas showed no signs of hearing him.

"Didn't you tell me Dean was singing to him to make him sleep that one time? What if I just sing?" Jess asked.

"Well, I think it's just Dean, but we can try. Go ahead." Sam said. Jess cleared her throat and began. Almost immediately Cas started rocking. But he wasn't just rocking, he was moving in time with the words. It was a start.

* * *

"I think he's calmed down. We just need to get him back to Dean. He might not even know he ran off." Sam chuckled. It was true, Cas was falling asleep right there, pressed against his chest.

"Yeah, guess so. How do we do this?" Jess asked.

"Well... Walk with him I guess. Just make sure he doesn't fall." Sam said.

"Ok, you get him standing and I'll grab his stuff." Jess said. Sam nodded. He pulled Cas into a sitting position, then pulled him to his feet. Cas didn't like the touching, but he didn't struggle as much.

"Alright Cas. One foot first, just take a step." Sam said. Surprisingly, Cas did.

"Good, now the other foot. I'll get you if you fall over." Sam said. Cas blinked.

"Sam."

"Cas, hey. It's me, it's Sam." He said quickly. Jess draped the blanket over Cas' shoulders but he didn't notice.

"Dean... Away." Cas said quietly. His eyes still looked like they went right through him, but Sam swore he saw a flicker of Cas coming back.

"It's ok. Tell me about what happened while we walk." Sam said. He slowly lead Cas forward, step by step, with the hand on his shoulder. Jess followed behind, somewhat unsure.

"Away." Cas said again.

"Like... Going away?" Sam said. Cas didn't answer.

"Cas?" Jess called. He was unresponsive again.

"Alright, just a couple more steps buddy. Let's get you through here." Sam said, as they ushered him through the door and away from the stairway. Cas didn't say another word.

* * *

When they got to Deans apartment, Cas hadn't changed much. They lead him to the couch, where he sat down, then Jess managed to get him to lay down. That was it. He was asleep within minutes.

"So what now? We wake up Dean for answers?" Sam asked.

"Tomorrow. I'm tired. Let's take turns with him?" Jess asked.

"Yeah, sounds good. His bed is in there, you can take it first. I'll wake you up in a few hours. Sam said, and Jess agreed.

"Night Sam, love you." Jess said quietly. She kissed him before heading to the bedroom. Once she was gone, Sam turned on the tv, and slumped down in a chair. It was gonna be a long night.

* * *

When Dean opened his eyes, he was met by... Jessica? What the fuck? He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and then went over to the bed.

"Jess? Hey, wake up." Dean whispered. Jess rolled away from him. He sighed and pulled his jeans from the floor, slipping them on before going on of the bedroom.

"Cas? Hey, Cas, you here?" Dean called. In the living room was one pissed off Sam, and Cas, with a blanket around his shoulders.

"What's going on?" Dean asked.

"Cas came to me for help." Sam said.

"What? When?" Dean asked.

"Probably somewhere between when you made some dick move and when tried he to run away." Sam said angrily.

"He... He did what? Cas, you did what?" Dean said quietly. Sam must have understood from the look on his face he had no idea what was going on, because he took pity on him.

"Somewhere around nine last night, Cas called me from your phone. He was hysterical, crying and freaking out. He only said three words. Come, stairs, sixth. Me and Jess came here and looked all over, before we found him on the sixth floor, in the flight of stairs. He had scratched his arm to shit. He had a blanket and his teddy bear, but that's it. Well, and your phone. He obviously left in a rush, it wasn't planned." Sam explained.

"What'd you do?" Dean asked.

"He was singing, and rocking. When we got close, he stopped. He didn't want to say a word, it was like he was hypnotized. Crying, scratching, the whole thing. When he did start mumbling it was nonsense. He said itch, like his arm. He tore it up. I asked why he had done that and he said itch. And, uh, door. Not sure about that one. And... Kiss." Sam said.

"But he was fine yesterday, he was happy. You were happy Cas. In fact last time I saw him, he was making out with some guy from school, and I went to bed." Dean said. Then it hit him. Kevin.

"Fucking Kevin- I'll rip him apart!" Dean yelled. Before Sam could get a word in, Dean had rushed out the door. Sam followed quickly, but not quickly enough. Dean had already pounded on presumably Kevin's door. When it opened, Dean didn't say a word. He yanked Kevin out and slammed him against the wall.

"Shit! Dean!" Sam said frantically. He grabbed his arms and pried him away from Kevin's throat, while Kevin scrambled backwards.

"Dean, relax! Stop! Look at him! You think he did this?" Sam said quickly.

"He was the last person with Cas! If Cas was upset enough to run away, it had to be him who made him that way." Dean growled, finally shrugging off Sams arms.

"I-I haven't done anything! What is happening?!" Kevin yelled, panic coming through his voice.

"Cas ran off, and he was apparently inconsolable. Now I told you to watch out for him, and you-"

"Dean, it was you!" Sam said quickly.

"What?"

"Cas said something else, and he spoke to me this morning, I wasn't done explaining."

"What?"

"He said your name. And "away". I thought maybe you had left and he got freaked out, but you were in bed. This morning he's said one sentence in total. "Dean said go away". You made him upset." Sam explain. Deans shoulders visibly sagged. He backed away from Kevin, and Kevin relaxed.

"This is my fault?" Dean said quietly.

"Yeah, you kinda fucked up." Sam said.

"But... I was half asleep, I just meant go away from the bed, not leave. I-I didn't want to talk about it, and he kept asking... Shit, it's my fault?"

"Dean, you need to fix this. You can punish yourself later." Sam said.

"Right, yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, Kevin. I thought... I thought you hurt Cas." Dean said quietly.

"Yeah, I- I understand. No hurting Cas. Ever. Or I die." Kevin said quickly, then rushed back inside. Sam heard the lock turn and sighed. Probably for the best.

"Can you... Can you give me a minute with him?" Dean asked, as they walked back to the room.

"If you don't do anything stupid." Sam said. Dean nodded and walked back into the room.

"Hey Cas? It's Dean. Can you look at me? Cas?" Dean said. He crouched down in front of Cas, and he touched his foot. He trailed his hand up, and rested it on Cas' knee.

"Cas, I never wanted you to leave. Is that why you're upset? You thought I wanted you to leave?" Dean asked. Cas blinked a few times.

"Cas, please look at me... Please..." Dean said quietly. His voice cracked.

"Cas, I'm gonna be honest with you now. I never want you to leave. Ever. I want to stay with you as long as I can. When you spend so much time with Kevin, it... It hurts my feelings. It makes me feel red, angry, mad. It's called jealousy. I was jealous of you and Kevin. And... I'm so sorry." Dean said quietly. He touched Cas' hand, and when he was satisfied that he wouldn't pull away, he picked it up and held it.

"What I said last night, when I said to go away-" Dean stopped, as Cas' lip began to quiver.

"I said go away because I didn't want to... admit I was jealous. I'm so sorry it hurt you. I was too proud and stupid to say anything, and it hurt you." Dean said.

"Cas, can you forgive me? Can you... Do you hear me?" Dean asked. Cas blinked and a tear fell, but he didn't move more then that. Dean got up and walked away, locking himself in the bathroom.

* * *

"Dean, you ok in there?" Sam asked.

"Fine, stay there. I'm fine. I'm just... I'm getting stuff together for Cas." Dean said. When he walked out, Deans eyes were red, but his face wasn't wet.

It struck Sam as odd. When it came to Dean, he was macho. He was the tough guy, the one all the women liked. But with Cas, he was different. He wasn't tough, or butch. He was a softie, and would touch him gently, and cuddle him. With Cas he wasn't guarded, and something as simple as not forgiving him broke him.

Sam had been listening of course. He couldn't not listen. As much as he loved his brother, he could screw things up big time. Seeing Cas so absolutely out of control after last night made him realize he wanted to protect Cas. He was a great guy, and it for no reason other then staying friends with him, he wanted him and Dean to stay together.

"What were you getting for Cas?" Sam asked.

"Bandages. It's these pads, like the white part on band-aids, but way bigger. Then there's this, its, uh, a wrapping thing. It doesn't stick to your skin, but it does stick to itself. You can put some cream on it, and then wrap him up." Dean said, handing the supplies to him.

"Why don't you?" Sam asked.

"Well... Cas doesn't wanna see me now does he?" Dean said quietly.

"I'm going to- maybe I'll stay out for a day or two at a hotel." Dean said quickly. He walked away, grabbing his keys off the counter as he went.

"Text me anything you and Jess want. You'll have to stay while he calms down. There's a blow up mattress and a pump in the closet, so you can sleep there or the couch. You'd have to get Cas out before you start inflating it though, he doesn't like the noise." Dean said, all without turning around. Then, he walked out the door.

* * *

"Cas, you there? You think you can talk?" Sam asked. Cas turned towards him, but didn't look up.

"You need to talk to Dean. Or- acknowledge him. He's sad. He was... He was crying I think." Sam said. Cas looked sad now.

"Kevin is... purple. I think... I'm starting to realize Dean... is green. But Dean doesn't like Kevin. If I can't have both... which do I choose?" Cas asked quietly. Jess was out of bed now, watching them. Sam nodded for her to come in, and she did.

"Cas, do you remember last night? On the stairs?" Sam asked.

"Some. Who?" Cas asked, motioning to her. He got tense and started to move, but Sam stopped him.

"This is Jessica, but we call her Jess. You can call her Jess too. She helped me find you last night, and get you back here." Sam said.

"Why?" Cas asked.

"Because I needed help." Sam said.

"Why her?" Cas asked.

"Because she was with me when I got the call from you. She lived with me. She's my fiancé." Sam said. Cas nodded.

"Listen, we can try to help you, to figure this out, but we can't pick for you. So, why don't you start by telling me what Kevin means to you? What's purple?" Sam asked.

"Colors are feelings. Purple is... nice. Purple is happy. It's like yellow, happy, but with... something. It makes me feel sick a little bit." Cas explained.

"Does it feel like... butterflies in your stomach?" Jess asked.

"Not really, but I believe that's the term used. Although that would be physically impossible, as the butterfly would not survive ingestion." Cas said calmly.

"What else is Kevin, what's else is purple?" Sam asked.

"Kevin is... He talks with hands. Signing. He's good at it. I don't have to talk, he talks, that's good. He's not loud. He laughs, and it's the right sound. When he smiles... it makes me happy." Cas said.

"It sounds like a crush. You know about that?" Jess asked.

"Yes, I've heard of "crushing". Does that mean I have a "crush" on Dean as well?" Cas asked. Jess smiled and Sam huffed a laugh.

"Well, what does Dean feel like? The green?" Sam asked.

"Dean is... more. He talks for me, and helps me with things, and cooks food for us. I don't like when he's mad or sad, it makes me mad or sad, but when I hold his hand he calms down. I hold hands with Kevin too, but it's different. He always lets me wear my skirt, and sit on the left. He sleeps with me, and he cracks eggs in the morning, and laughs quietly, and sings to me when I want him to. He watches cars and helps me calm down, and does everything right usually. He keeps me here, instead of with Meg, and he walks with me to work when I have to go, even when it's raining, because I don't like cars. I know it's not normal, I know I'm not... not like you... but he does it anyway. He's sad and mad and happy all put together sometimes. But... it's the same as Kevin. Butterflies. Is that good?" Cas finished. Jess was nearly squealing, while Sam just smiled wide at him.

"Yeah, that's... Cas that's called love. Green is love." Sam smiled.

"I... love Dean?"

"Yeah, sounds like it."

"But... this isn't like... I thought I loved him and it was different. It wasn't green with him!" Cas said, panic in his voice.

"Him who, Cas?" Sam asked.

"N-No one. Nevermind." Cas said. Sam scrunched his eyebrows, but decided not to push it for now. He'd ask Gabriel about it later.

Cas stared for a minute, still caught up in his thought, before his face softened. A tiny smile worked its way up, and he looked up from his lap.

"I love Dean. I love Dean. I like saying that." Cas said breathlessly.

"Yeah, it never does get old." Jess said, smiling at Sam. He smiled back.

"Should I tell him?" Cas asked cautiously.

"That's your choice. You could keep it hidden. But then, Dean may never know. You would never be able to do anything with him." Sam said.

"Like what?" Cas asked innocently.

"Like kiss, and have sex." Jess said, since Sam now looked awkward.

"Oh... What if he... Gets angry?" Cas asked. After all, he liked Dean like he was now. If it changed, he might get different. He might get mean.

"It doesn't have to change. You would just be in a relationship. Plus, you can trust me, he wouldn't be upset about you loving him." Sam said.

"But is Dean ever mean to his girlfriends?" Cas asked uncomfortably.

"What? No. Why?" Sam said.

"No reason. I think... I'll tell him tonight. But when I do, what about Kevin? I'm his boyfriend." Cas said.

"You'd have to break up. Unless Dean was ok with you dating him and Kevin at the same time, but that's more uncommon." Jess said.

"No, I think I want just one. I like that idea. I also think... I think I want to go back to sleep." Cas said. Sam chuckled and nodded.

"Alright. I'll make some pancakes. Dean is probably going to try to ignore his problems and stay away all day, but he will come back eventually." Sam said. Cas nodded. Dean was late getting back when he was upset. Today he was really upset so he'll be really late.

"Is it ok if I patch you up? That pad and flannel won't hold up much." Jess said. Cas looked at his arm, then at her.

"Will it hurt?" He asked.

"Probably a little, but it'll feel better after." Jess said.

"No shots? Or pills? Like the other nurses?" Cas asked shyly.

"No shots or pills. I promise. How'd you know I'm a nurse?" Jess smiled.

"You're fake nice like the nurses, but you're real nice too. You smile for real, but you're calm with a patient." Cas said. Jess shrugged, figuring it wasn't an insult.

"Well, ok. So, can I fix up your arm?"

"Ok. First I have to show Sam something." Cas said, standing up. He walked to the kitchen, and tapped Sams shoulder, then led him to the bedroom. Jess followed curiously behind them.

"I'm... I'm going to give Dean a present. I wanted to know if it's good." Cas said.

"Ok, what is it?" Sam asked. Cas walked over to his easel, and pulled the sheet off.

Propped up was a gorgeous painting. Splashed and streaks of colors, all over the canvas. Through the center was a smear of green made by his hand, and inside that, two bright, detailed green eyes.

"Cas, this is... This is amazing. How did you get the eyes so real looking?" Sam asked.

"I stared at my subject for a long time, and painted what I saw." Cas said.

"Cas, this painting is beautiful. Dean will adore it." Jess said.

"Thank you, both. I'm going to cover it now. I'll give it to him when he gets back." Cas said, smiling. After he covered it, he went to where they were standing.

"Were you making pancakes?" Cas asked. Sam nodded.

"Can we have waffles instead? I like the squares. The waffle maker is in the cabinet." Cas said.

"Sure thing buddy." Sam said.

"We can fix my arm now. I'm ready." Cas said, looking at Jess.

"Ok, follow me. Let's go to the couch."

* * *

Dean did turn up late. Way too late. It was a little past eight o' clock when he walked in.

"Sammy, guess who I saw at the store?" Dean said.

"You mean the bar? You reek of desperation." Sam said, turning up his nose.

"I met Benny. We hung out, got lunch, went to this cool club. You should have seen the women Sam-"

"You didn't hook up, did you?" Sam asked quickly.

"Well, no. I had to come back here. Don't worry, I didn't drink either. Cas hates that. I'm not an asshole." Dean said.

"Well you've been gone twelve hours! One more wouldn't have killed you! That being said, I'm glad you didn't. It would've crushed Cas." Sam said.

"Why? He doesn't care." Dean snapped. Sam dropped the plate he was washing back in the sink and looked at Dean.

"Do you have a problem? Because Cas has been hurt, worried, and sad, and all you can think about is women and Benny." Sam growled.

"Cas wasn't worried. He didn't want to talk this morning, he won't want to talk now. He probably hates me." Dean said. Sam knew it was suppose to sound tough, but now Dean just sounded pathetic.

"Alright, well time to quit whining. Cas has been in there playing monopoly with Jess for two hours, but he has a gift for you. He also needs to talk to you seriously. You can go save her from that game, and we'll get out of here." Sam said.

"You're not staying?" Dean asked.

"No, like I said, Cas needs to give you something, and talk to you. It's kinda personal, so we don't want to be around for it." Sam said.

"Ok... I guess I'll go see him then." Dean said. Sam nodded, and dried his hands. He followed Dean to the bedroom, where they found Cas sitting on the floor with Jess, the board between them. Dean took a deep breath and stepped into the room.

"Dean... I'm sorry-"

"Don't say sorry. I'm sorry. I was stupid, and I didn't think anything through before I spoke. I didn't want you to leave Cas." Dean said sadly. Sam motioned around his, and Jess stood up.

"Put the board on the table, and we can finish later, ok?" Jess said, smiling.

"Bye." Cas called, as they left. They waved, then walked away. When he heard the door shut, Cas got nervous.

"I-I want to- I'm going to- give you something. You have to go in there." Cas said, pointing to the kitchen.

"Ok, don't be long." Dean said. He awkwardly walked out of the bedroom, and Cas shut the door behind him. Carefully, he pulled the sheet down and removed his painting.

"Shut your eyes." Cas said.

"Ok, they're shut." Dean said. Slowly, Cas opened the bedroom door, and walked towards him.

"Put your hands out. It's delicate." Cas said. Dean stretched out both hands, and Cas gently placed the canvas in his arms.

"You can open now." Cas said quietly. Dean opened his eyes and his jaw dropped.

"How... How? This is incredible Cas." Dean said quietly.

"Sam said to incorporate the green in. So, I painted what I thought of when I see green. I think of your eyes." Cas said shyly. Dean smiled and put the painting on the counter gently, then reached his hand out. He touched Cas' hand and trailed his touch up to his shoulder.

"Don't ever change." Dean said, smiling at him.

"I need to do something." Cas said. His voice was instantly nervous, and Dean rubbed his shoulder lightly.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

Cas rushed forward. He grabbed Deans shirt collar and crushed his lips against Deans. He made a noise between a moan and a shriek, but then relaxed, seeing that Cas wasn't stopping. It turned gentle, just barely there touch, and shut eyes. When he did pull away they were both breathless, and they rested their heads against each other.

"Did- did you just kiss me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I was testing."

"Testing what?"

"If it was green."

"Well... Was it?"

"...yes."

* * *

When it was over, Dean said he needed to think about things first. Cas agreed and they went to watch cars like normal. They brushed teeth like normal, and went to bed like normal. Dean held onto Cas as he fell asleep, Dean however did not sleep for half the night.

When he woke up, it was to a particular smell.

"Is that smoke? Fuck- that's definitely smoke!" Dean yelled, running to the kitchen. First the kiss and now this?

Cas followed, wondering what was wrong. Dean looked through the cloud, finding the desk fan he had put on the counter for occasions just like this and turning it on. It didn't help much, just spread it around.

"Cas, open the windows." Dean said. Cas nodded and walked towards the living room.

"Shit! What the fuck is this?!" Dean said angrily. There was something in a pan on the stove, the source of the smoke. It was burnt beyond recognition, but it was little pieces of something.

"What the hell Cas? What is this?" Dean questioned. Cas walked back in the room, looking timid.

"What is this?!" Dean snapped.

"I-I just wanted to see if it would taste more like french toast if I cooked it..."

"God damnit." Dean growled. He rubbed his temples and looking around for something to clear the smoke. There was a rag around the handle of the microwave, above the stove.

"Why didn't you turn the heat off?!" Dean yelled. Ok, so maybe he could be a little nicer, it had been an accident, but he had been having a stressful few days, and this just added to his weird mood.

Dean reached up and grabbed the rag that was hanging, intending to turn around and hand it to Cas, but when he turned around... Cas had backed up. He was blocking his face.

"Cas? What's-"

"Don't!" Cas yelled. Dean lowered his arm with the rag and put it on the counter.

"Cas-"

"Please!" Cas yelled. His eyes were tearing up, and Dean became increasingly concerned.

"Cas... Listen to me. It's ok, you can put your arms down, it's alright." Dean said softly.

"Are you gonna hit me?"

Deans heart dropped. Did Cas really think he was gonna beat him? For burning- what is this, cereal? Shit, something was wrong.

"Cas... I would never hit you. Why would you think that?" Dean asked. Cas lowered his arms a little, but something was off. It was like Cas had snapped. His eyes were suddenly angry, something Dean had never really seen on Cas, at least not like this.

"Liar!" Cas screamed, making Dean jump. He almost feared for himself for a moment. The way Cas' voice was so loud it strained, and with the way he looked dangerous standing there... This wasn't his Cas. Dean backed up, as Cas stepped forward towards him. What the fuck was wrong?

"Cas... Cas, listen to me. It's Dean. You need to snap out of it ok? You're... You're scaring me." Dean tried. Cas didn't move in his stance, a fighting stance, and his fists curled up, but his face softened. It was like understanding was coming back.

"Cas, it's Dean. You remember? Dean? It's just Dean. You're Cas. We're in the kitchen, there's smoke. It's about, uh, nine o'clock in the morning, and we're in the apartment. You're safe here. We're in a safe place." Dean said softly.

He had never had to do this before. Meg had told him once that people like Cas sometimes have reality issues. They might have episodes triggered but words or sounds and need to be reminded of exactly where they are and what's happening around them. He had seen it, but in the years Dean had known Cas, it had never happened to him. To be honest, it was scary.

"I'm... No. Dean. You're... Sorry." Cas said quietly.

"Easy now... You're Cas, I'm Dean... You're safe... Cas, I'm not gonna hurt you." Dean said. Cas stumbled backwards, and Dean moved quickly, holding his arms to steady him.

"Cas, it's ok. You're safe. I won't hurt you. I'm Dean, I won't hit you." Dean said.

"Sit." Cas said quietly. Dean nodded.

"Ok, alright. Let's sit. Come on, were sitting down now." Dean said. Cas followed numbly, sitting down on the floor.

"It's just me. It's Dean. It's ok." He said softly.

"Dean... Dean. Dean. Angry, loud, loud, LOUD. Angry! Go away! You fucker! You bitch!" Cas screamed. He looked mad. Not emotionally, physically. He looked like he had gone insane. Then he screamed. He screamed and he screamed. He sat there, just screaming. Dean tried to reach out, but he lunged towards him, grabbing Deans hand and trying to bend his fingers. Dean yanked his hand away as he felt a crack, and gasped. Cas had broken his finger. He backed up and felt around for his phone behind him, without taking his eyes off Cas. He was staring at him. Screaming.

When he did find his cell, he instantly dialed Meg. Then, slowly, backed out of the kitchen. He moved quietly, not sure what would happen if he startled him now.

"Hey hot stuff, what's-"

"There's something wrong, h-he's going insane. He's just screaming." Dean stuttered. Meg got with it instantly, all flirting forgotten.

"Back away slowly, and find the door."

"Fuck no! I'm not leaving him on his own! He could hurt himself!" Dean protested.

"Do what I say Dean! Did you tell him where he is? Make sure he's all together?" Meg asked.

"Of course I did! It worked for a second but he- God, he just lost it." Dean said shakily.

"Dean, he's reliving something. It's happened before. He used to have fits, right before he met you. What's happened it the last few days? Is there anything that could have triggered a memory?" Meg asked.

Dean thought for a moment. Which detail should he describe? Just the whole day? The last few days? Everything?

"He's been acting weird for days Meg, I-I don't know- wait, he thought I was... He thought I was gonna hit him. That's what happened right before he lost it. You think that's it?" Dean asked.

Behind him, he could hear a banging on the door, and he backed up. As soon as he was far enough away, Cas went silent, just staring at him.

"I think that's exactly what it is. He's not exactly in a fit, he's... Reliving a memory. He's having an anxiety attack and going on instincts." Meg explained.

"Instincts for what? To scare the hell outta me?! He's acting like he's possessed!" Dean yelled.

"In his mind, he's protecting himself." Meg said. Behind him, there was another knock. He hastily felt around behind himself, not taking his eyes off Cas, and opened it. There was Kevin.

"The neighbors could hear screaming, I said I'd check it out. What's wrong?" Kevin asked. Dean turned for just a second to see a few people outside their doors.

"Go on, everything's fine people." Dean said quietly. Slowly, everyone shut their doors.

"Now isn't a good time Kev, back out the door slowly." Dean said calmly.

"I'm gonna get off the phone, I'm coming now. Call if it gets worse, and get out of there!" Meg said. With that she hung up, and Dean swore as he put away his phone.

"Dean, what's going on?" Kevin asked.

"He's... I don't know, ok? He's reliving it or some shit. You need to leave, before he tries to come after you." Dean said.

"Why would he come after me?" Kevin asked warily.

"You tell me! He broke my finger and I still have no idea what the fuck is going on!" Dean snapped.

"Alright, we need to... Do we need to leave?" Kevin asked.

"I don't know. His nurse says yes, but I don't want him to hurt himself." Dean said.

"You called his nurse? Not his doctor?" Kevin asked.

"She is his doctor! She's a doctor, nurse, therapist, psychyatrist, she's skilled, ok? That's why Cas likes her, and only her. He doesn't have to see anyone else, and he's known her since before he knew me." Dean said.

"Ok, well... We should do what she says. I'll go get you some ice, you just come out of here." Kevin said, slowly backing out the door. Dean was reluctant, but he knew if Meg said to do it, then it was for the best. He slowly waved at Cas, and backed out of the room.

* * *

When Meg arrived, she had a pill bottle and blanket. Dean and Kevin were sitting outside the door silently. When she saw the bag of ice on Deans hand, her expression darkened.

"You can't come in. I need to get him to take this. It'll make him woozy, and I should be able to get him out to the car before he passes out." Meg explained.

"Whoa, "passes out"? What is that you're giving him?" Dean asked.

"It's anti-anxiety. It'll just make him calm, really calm, like weed. He'll get tired, and go to sleep. It's like a sedative pill." Meg explained.

"Ok, what do I do?" Dean asked.

"I can help." Kevin spoke up.

"Who's this?"

"No one."

"I'm Kevin. Cas' boyfriend." Kevin said indignantly.

"Well you both might have helped in triggering this, so you need to stay put. In fact, don't let him see you. Go to your car and follow me, if you must, to the hospital. Go to children's wing. I'll stick him there." Meg said. Dean nodded, while Kevin stayed silent.

"Can you grab my keys? They're on the counter." Dean said.

"Got it. Anything else sir?" Meg said sarcastically.

"Don't sass me Megan." Dean snarled. Kevin went wide-eyed, but Meg looked unimpressed.

"I could have a witty comeback, or I could just remind you that you're named after a woman." Meg said.

"Hey, grandma Deanna was a fine lady. I'm proud to be her namesake." Dean said.

"Whatever, I'll throw the keys out the door, then you leave. Don't try to listen in, don't try to be brave. Get out." Meg ordered. Dean nodded.

Meg slowly opened the door. Dean peered around her to see that he had moved. He didn't see Cas, but the room was a wreck. The couch was on its back, the pillows were gone. Plastic cups and containers littered the floor, and all the cabinets were open. He hadn't heard any real crashing inside, so he didn't think Cas had broken anything, but he couldn't be sure.

"Cas? It's me, it's Meg. Your friend. Meg is here, Clarence. Just me, no one else." She said softly. She set the blanket on the counter, then looked around. She grabbed the keys, and tossed them to Dean, but before he could say anything, she shut the door on his face.

"Go, get to the car if you're coming. Go!" Dean snapped. Kevin scrambled into action, and raced beside him down the hall.

* * *

"Cas? Meg is here. Clarence, it's just me. You wanna come out and tell me what happened?" Meg asked softly. There was a creaking, and the closet door opened a crack.

"Gone?" Cas whispered.

"Everyone's gone. It's just me." Meg said. Cas raced out and grabbed her, hugging her close.

"Clarence, you know I'm gonna have to ask you to take this." Meg said quietly. Cas didn't move.

"I brought your blanket. You can have it if you swallow this." Meg said. Cas looked up, but his eyes were glazed. He didn't look like he was taking in anything.

"Cas, if I hand you a cup of water, will you swallow this? Twitch of finger, one or two." Meg said.

They had worked out a system, long ago. When he couldn't communicate, when he couldn't get a grip on reality, all he had to do was twitch. Once for yes, twice for no. She had worked with him, until it came naturally. All she had to do was show up, and he knew his finger twitching would be word enough.

She never told Dean. They had worked out their own method. Dean just left him alone, didn't make him talk. He called and canceled classes, and fed him at meal times, no words necessary. In the world of doctor and patient though, that just didn't work. Now, he twitched his fingers twice.

"Come on, please? If I give you the heavy blanket after, will you swallow this?" She asked. She held it up in front of his face, and he stared at it. A slow twitch.

"Good, that's good. Sit down here, while I get you some water, ok?" She said. She gently pushed his shoulders, until he was on the floor, then walked to the sink. She picked up a cup from the counter and filled it, then brought the water back to him.

"I know you don't like this. Thank you for co-operating." Meg said softly. She picked up Cas' hand and put the pill in it, and he put it in his mouth instinctively. Getting him to swallow pills was usually a struggle, but in this state he just did what he was told.

"You're doing fantastic. Now put the water in your mouth and swallow." She said. He did as he was told, then his shaky hands almost dropped the cup. She stopped it from falling, and pulled it away from him easily.

"I'm going to put the blanket around you now." Meg said. She took it off the counter behind her, then walked up to Cas. She didn't go behind him, since she knew he wouldn't like it. Instead she draped it around him from the front. He shifted a little, but other then that, did nothing.

"That pill you took is going to make you a little sleepy. I'm going to take you to my car, then I'll let you fall asleep before we drive, ok? You won't feel anything, I promise." Meg said quietly. Cas twitched in understanding.

* * *

The wait at the hospital was unbearable. It had been days. Cas had stayed silent the whole time, according to Meg. Quickly Gabriel had joined them, then Sam and Jess, but none had really said anything. That was the first day. They had hugged him, except Gabriel, who patted his shoulder, but they didn't know what to say with such vague details from Deans text.

Dean ate rarely, only when Sam brought food to him. They all left in rounds and took showers and naps, but Dean stayed put. He only slept when Sam promised to wake him up at the slightest update.

Charlie and Jo showed up the next day, but Jo was only there for support. She didn't know Cas well. Charlie on the other hand sat by Dean, holding his hand. She had known him a few months longer then Dean, had introduced them in fact, and was worried sick for him. They left for class but came back later.

Gabriel was tired, too tired, and leaned onto Sam to take a nap. Charlie, Jo, and Jess went home for the night but were back by morning. They brought them all back breakfast, but he didn't eat.

Later, Dean went to the one way window and looked through, knowing if Cas looked up he would only see a reflection. Inside the room, Cas was on the bed with what Meg had explained was a weighted blanket wrapped around him. He was propped up on pillows, and in his lap was a tub of dry rice and beans.

Dean smiled at him. Cas had his hands buried in the dry food, wiggling his fingers and just feeling the sensation of it. Dean figured if he had known Cas would like that, he could have kept him entertained for hours. But then, Cas had never expressed an interest for stim toys. Dean had asked, but he had said no.

As Dean walked away from the window, Sam gave him a pity look. He ignored it and sat back down, trying to ignore the oncoming headache.

* * *

"You should tell him you know." Kevin said.

Everyone was gone, for food, or rest. Just Dean and Kevin remained, and it was already tense.

"Tell him what?" Dean asked.

"That you love him." Kevin said. Dean sputtered and sat up straighter.

"I don't- I'm not- no." Dean said quickly.

"Dude everyone knows. I know. And it's not like it's unreciprocated. He goes on and on about you when he talks." Kevin said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. He tells me all about you singing, and your eyes, and just... You. It's kind of awkward, but the way he smiles, I don't want to ruin it." Kevin said.

"Well... What about you?" Dean asked.

"Dean, I'm fine. Anyone with eyes can see you love each other. It was just a matter of when it would come out. I'm ok. I'll talk with him about not going out anymore, but... I think he's invested in you. I don't think it'll be a problem." Kevin chuckled.

"So... Everyone thinks I like Cas?" Dean whispered. Kevin laughed, and Dean felt even more exposed.

"Of course we do! Look, it's really ok. If it's the guy and guy thing, I don't think any of us mind. For Gods sake, Charlie is a lesbian and I'm dating Cas. But... He's head over heels for you." Kevin said.

"Yeah... I hope that's still true." Dean muttered.

* * *

When Meg did come out, the third day, and they all six stood up, she was surprised. She scrunched her eyebrows, then a look of happiness crossed her face. Or as happy as she could look. Dean startled awake as Sam tapped him, and he jumped up, getting light-headed.

"Cas really has found a family, hasn't he?" She said softly. Dean nodded.

"Alright, well, he's ready to talk. Or, ready for me to tell the story. Brother Gabriel, you can help with this one. Clarence has given his permissions. And boyfriend, you'll need to hear the story. Privately." Meg said. Kevin started to walk forward, but Meg stopped him.

"The real boyfriend. Sorry." She smirked.

"Not now Meg. Seriously?!" Dean snapped.

"You are."

"I'm not!"

"Keep telling yourself that."

"I-I'm not! We just live together!"

"Sure."

"I'm serious!"

"You really deny it?"

"Meg, were not dating!" Dean snapped. As they rounded a corner, Kevin spoke up.

"So everyone knows except him?" Kevin asked. Everyone turned towards him in surprise.

"What? Like I didn't know the minute I met him?"

* * *

"I didn't hurt him Meg. I didn't, I swear. He just... He ducked down and started screaming. I don't know what happened." Dean said sadly.

"Dean, have you ever heard of battered women's syndrome?" Meg asked, once they were seated.

"Not really. I mean, I've heard the term, but I don't know what it means." Dean admitted.

"It's a little like Stockholm syndrome. Often in these instances, the woman in the relationship will be beaten or abused in some way. Then, the man will break down and cry and say he'll never do it again. The usual. You following?" Meg asked.

"I think so." Dean said.

"When this happens, the woman will forgive him, she'll even believe he won't do it again. He'll shower her with gifts, and everything will be fine. For a while. Eventually it repeats. This is where it gets tricky." Meg explained. Dean nodded.

"Often, the woman will snap. She'll get a weapon of some sort and severely injure or kill the man. In fact, usually she'll black out and won't remember it at all until she's in front of a body. That's why you can use the 'battered women's defense' in court when there's been abuse. It's saying the woman is innocent or crazy but didn't plan to hurt anyone, it just happened. And usually, if the man doesn't get help, and she doesn't snap... He kills her first." Meg finished.

"Ok, so that's what happened? He just snapped? But I haven't been abusing him." Dean said.

"No, I'm not done. In a way, it's similar to BWS, but it was more of a reality issue this time, a fit, like you said before. He was reliving it, not exactly snapping again." Meg said.

"Again? So... Did Cas kill someone?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Aren't you listening? Castiel _is ___the battered woman." Gabriel spoke up. Dean sat for a moment, then took in a shaky breath.

"I'm not hurting him Meg. Who is he getting battered by?" Dean asked.

"Cas has to tell you that himself. It's not a current thing, it's not happening anymore, but we don't talk about it. I thought he would have told you but he obviously wanted it kept secret." Gabriel said quickly.

Dean sat back in his chair. It made sense. The way Cas had kissed him, and then was reminded of some past relationship. The way he went into panic mode. Like Meg said, he might not even remember attacking him. It was instinct to protect himself, and anger towards whoever hurt him.

"Meg, he kissed me. Last night, he kissed me. He's been kissing a lot of people lately, but... I had a dish towel above my head. I was pulling it down and... He freaked out. I mean, was that a trigger? Did the other person... Hit him with towels?" Dean asked.

"Not all the time. It started with towels but... Look, Gabriel is right. I need to bring Cas in here." Meg stopped.

"You think he's ready?" Gabriel asked.

"No. But he needs to talk." Meg said.

"No, I can wait. Really, let him rest. I'd just like to see him, if that's ok." Dean said quietly. Meg nodded and stood up, leading him into a room.

Gabriel went in first, and there was whimpering, before Meg followed. He quieted down and Dean stood outside, out of sight.

"You remember Dean? He didn't hurt you Cas. The bad guy is gone. Dean is the good guy." Meg said softly. Apparently there was some signal from Cas, because Meg stuck her head out and ushered him in.

Dean walked in slowly. He held his hands flat at his sides, making sure not to make a fist. Cas breathed deeply, and slid backwards on the bed, making Dean stop.

"Cas? It's me. You really scared me buddy. It's just me. No one else." Dean said. Cas leaned forward just a little, like a timid dog trying to sniff his hand.

"There, you wanna see me? Can I... Can I touch?" Dean asked. Cas seemed to realize the intention and pressed himself against the pillows.

"No touch, ok, no touch. Easy Cas, it's ok." Dean said. He knew he sounded like he was talking to an animal, but if it helped, so be it.

"Cas, you need to touch Dean. It's just Dean. No hurt, no scare, no bad. Good, nice, Dean." Gabriel said quietly. It wasn't exactly how Dean talked to him, but it obviously worked a little, because Cas relaxed.

"Stick out your hand Dean." Gabriel instructed. Dean did so slowly, intending to reach out to Cas, when Gabriel leaned over the bed and grabbed his wrist.

"Ow! Hey- that's tight! Let go!" Dean snapped.

"See Cas? No bad. No hurt. Touch." Gabriel said. Dean struggled for a moment, but stopped when Cas reached out. He timidly touched one finger to Deans palm, then two. He poked the finger splint on Deans broken finger, then slowly held Deans hand and squeezed. Dean didn't dare squeeze back. Then, Cas seemed done, and he withdrew completely.

"Dean." He said quietly. Gabriel let go of his wrist, and Dean inched towards him.

"Cas... Oh God, Cas. It's good to hear your voice. Are you ok? You wanna see everybody? They're outside-"

"No." Cas said loudly. Dean sank. He thought he would be escorted out, but nothing happened. Instead, Cas stared at him. Just stared and stared. Gabriel stood awkwardly, while Meg watched.

"Do you ... Do you want to stay a little longer?" Dean asked. Cas jerked his head yes.

"Hey, it's alright. Why don't you take a deep breath, and Meg can go get you that thing of rice." Dean said. Cas looked up, and at his confused look, Dean explained.

"Meg told me you liked it. We could get something like that at home if you want." Dean said. It was a lie, he had watched through the window, but he didn't want to alert Cas to that fact. He might not even know it was a window.

"Cas, I'm gonna go, ok? I want you to try to talk to Dean." Gabriel said. Cas turned towards him and whimpered, but Gabriel left quickly.

"I'll be right outside here, ok Clarence? If you need something, you hit your button. I'll go get your rice like Dean said if you behave." Meg said. Cas looked at the button to the side and took a breath, then dipped his head.

As Meg exited, Dean got closer. He sat on the edge of the bed, and stuck out his hand. Cas took it gingerly.

"Looks like they fixed up your arm better then Sam and Jess could. And they used the not-sticky rope that you like." Dean said. Cas didn't respond. Instead, he stared at his lap.

"Cas, I don't know exactly what happened." Dean started. Cas looked up, but didn't speak.

"I know someone hurt you, but I don't know how. I know I reminded you of them and... This happened." Dean said.

Cas didn't move at first. He considered his options, and squeezed Deans hand. Then, in a clear invitation, he slid over and looked at Dean with puppy eyes that rivaled Sams.

"Yeah, I can do that." Dean said quickly. He slid up onto the bed and toed off his shoes, then crawled under the covers. Almost immediately Cas wrapped himself around him, and Dean breathed a sigh of relief.

"You know, I was worried about you. I thought you'd..." Dean stopped. He wanted to say many things. I thought you'd hate me. I thought you'd hurt me. I thought you'd never want to see me again.

"I thought you were hurting yourself inside the apartment." Dean settled with. It was true, that had been concern number one.

"I was worried that you were in there scratching, or panicking, and I couldn't help you." Dean said softly. Cas looked up at him, and Dean smiled.

"I'm so sorry... God, I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

Dean smiled painfully. Of course Cas would speak up now.

"For everything. For being a jerk, for being jealous, for telling you to go away. For staying out all day and then not... Not immediately accepting you're kiss. For... Fucking everything up. You were so happy Cas, and I just went and screwed you up... I-I'm just so s-sorry-" Dean said.

The lump in his throat was becoming unbearable to talk over, and the arm around his stomach tightened.

"I'm sorry." Dean whispered. Cas took no notice, instead touching his face where Dean hadn't even realized he had started to cry. Fucking emotions.

Cas seemed done with talking, because he sat up straighter and waved a hand in front of Deans face.

'You didn't mean it, correct?' Cas signed.

"I didn't. I-I never meant for any of this to happen. I would never want to hurt you." Dean said quietly. Cas dipped his head, and in an act Dean would never have seen coming, he kissed the tip of his nose; then, he slid closer, getting practically in Deans lap, so he could be closer.

"What does that mean?" Dean whispered.

'You are forgiven.'

Dean made that choked noise that meant he wouldn't be able to stop, and Cas wrapped his arms around him. Dean sat up and hugged him closer, stuffing his face into Cas' white, sterile, hospital shirt.

"I-I'm- I-"

"Shush." Cas whispered.

"Ok now. Quiet. Quiet."

"Do you- do you want me to leave?" Dean sniffed. God, he sounded like Cas, but he had to know.

"Never. Always, completely forgiven." He whispered.

Cas held Dean gently, putting his hand in Deans hair and scratching lightly like Dean did often for him. Dean held him softly, but his muscles were screaming to hold him as tightly as possible. Instead, he held Cas' shirt and rested. He let himself be held for now, because he was forgiven, and Cas was gonna be ok.

* * *

When Dean awoke, he was at first confused. Quickly he realized where he was and panicked, before realizing something else. Cas was on top of him. Oh.

Dean smiled and ran his fingers through his messy hair. Poor guy must have put up with him until they were asleep. He also must have missed his bear, because he had his ear pressed against Deans heart.

"You awake?" Dean asked. It was no surprise that he got no answer. Instead of waking him though, he maneuvered the sheet up the tiny bed and tucked them under.

He pulled out his phone and checked. 3:32pm. They had slept for at least a few hours.

As he tried to put the phone away, Cas stirred. He looked down and removed his hands from Cas, so he didn't startle him. As Cas sat up, Dean let him come to his senses, then tried speaking.

"Thank you." He said, surprised by the gruffness of his own voice. Cas nodded and gave a small smile. Gently he reached out, taking Deans hand and lifting it, then tucking himself under Deans arm. Dean chuckled and lowered his arm, holding Cas close to him.

"You tell me when your ready to get up, and we can go get something to eat if you want. Or, if not, we could maybe see Kevin." Dean said. This seemed to interest Cas, but he didn't perk up enough to move. Some still evil, vain part of Dean cheered a little inside about that.

* * *

It was about a half hour later, Dean guessed, that Meg came in. He had been in and out of sleep, and so had Cas. Her entrance startled him, and he jumped, then on instinct slid backwards against Deans chest.

"Clarence, I brought you the tub of rice and beans again. Do you wanna play?" Meg asked. Cas nodded eagerly, and handed him the plastic box. When he looked away, she motioned for Dean to follow.

"Hey, I gotta go, ok? I'll be right outside." Dean said. Cas nodded, but he seemed more entertained by his rice. Dean smiled and slid out of the bed, then pulled back on his shoes. Meg waited by the door, then as soon as he was out, closed it behind him.

"We need to talk with him. Soon. Now that he can communicate better, it's vital that we get this whole thing out in the open. I sent your friends home and told them to come back tomorrow, because that's when he'll be leaving." Meg said.

"Ok, why?" Dean asked.

"Well, his condition is improving, and we can't keep him here. If he's not here, I can't discuss with you, because there's no way I'm discussing anything on my tiny break. We have to do this now. I've got Gabriel outside if you think we can start?" Meg said, almost a question.

"Well... I think he needs more time, but I also think you're gonna do it now, so whatever." Dean said. Meg smirked.

"You know me too well. Go in there and convince him to come out for me?" Meg asked. Dean frowned at her.

"Aren't you suppose to do that? You're the nurse."

"Careful Dean, or I won't be doing anything for you ever again."

"Wouldn't want you to now sweetheart." Dean shot back smugly, as he opened the door.

The nurse really got on his nerves sometimes. It wasn't like they didn't get along. Hell, they had shared that one _great ___night around the time he met Cas. It was different now though. No more "favors" from her, unless it was for Cas.

"Hey buddy, Meg thinks we should talk. About what happened." Dean said quietly. Cas looked angrily at him though.

"What is it? Cas?" Dean said cautiously.

"You weren't quiet. Why is she sweetheart?!" Cas snapped. Deans face broke into a grin and he almost laughed.

"I-It was sarcastic. Do you- do you want me to call _you ___sweetheart?" Dean asked kindly. Cas nodded grumpily, little pout on his face.

"Hey, I know this is... Hard. I can't act like I know how you feel, because I don't. But we need to get this out in the open. You can keep that rice and stuff with you while we talk." Dean said. Cas swallowed and looked away.

"Please... Sweetheart?" Dean asked. Cas looked up and he almost smiled.

"What if you turn angry?" He asked.

"You're scared that I'll turn angry?" Dean asked. Cas nodded sheepishly. He couldn't say he blamed him. He was at his weakest and felt vulnerable. Anyone would.

"It's ok sweetheart. I won't get angry. I'm so sorry for all this. I was frustrated, and-"

"Shush. Over." Cas said quickly. Dean nodded. He didn't need to bring this up more then necessary.

Cas took a deep breath and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, then lowered himself off. He reached out towards Deans hand, and Dean took it easily.

"Who's there?" Cas asked.

"Gabriel and Meg. That's it, just us and them." Dean said. Cas nodded and squeezed his fingers as he led him through the door.

As they came in, Gabriel's knuckles went white on his chair. We wanted so badly to hug his brother, tell him it was ok, but right now that was too much for him. Meg on the other hand, looked impressed.

"Good job. Both of you. Should we begin?" She asked. Cas whimpered and his grip tightened, but he still sat down. Dean sat down in the chair beside him, without releasing his grip.

"So, Cas, we're here to discuss-"

"Stop. Nice voice." Cas demanded. Meg sighed and shut her eyes, then became more delicate.

"Clarence, we need to tell Dean what you-know-who did." Meg said gently.

"It's ok..." Cas mumbled, looking at Gabriel. Dean risked a glance at over, only to see that he was fuming .

"We need to talk about what Bartholomew did to you." Meg said.

Cas flinched at the name. Dean rubbed his thumb over Cas' hand, and he looked up.

"Dean-"

"Is this too much?" Dean asked quickly. Cas thought for a minute, then shook his head.

"Why don't we start with the happy part, alright? Tell Dean the happy part, and I'll help if you forget something." Meg said gently. Cas nodded.

"He... Bartholomew, was good. He was nice. He wasn't mean to me, and he gave me special ear things, so when he watched tv, I didn't hear it. He got me my favorite foods like you do, and he walked with me places. He would wait until I wasn't upset, then put a blanket on me. Then one day he kissed me. He pulled on my hair and I didn't like it, but I liked kissing him, so I let him. After he was really nice. He would buy me candy and flowers even if I didn't want them. He was nice." Cas finished. His knee was bouncing now, but Dean didn't know what to do to stop it, so he just nodded and gave him a reassuring smile.

"Cas, why don't you start with when it changed. What happened that made him change?" Gabriel said gently. Cas nodded, then looked at Dean. He looked in his eyes now, and Dean nodded.

"It's ok if you need a break. Or you can keep going. I don't mind." Dean said quietly. Still, Cas tilted his head sideways until his neck popped, then got back to it.

"One day, he came back smelling weird. Like those drinks you used to drink, Dean. The- the beer." Cas said.

"Is that why you don't like alcohol in the apartment?" Dean asked. Cas nodded.

"I said I didn't like it, and he got mad. He said there was too much I don't like. He said he wanted me gone a long time ago, but felt bad about it. I got sad, and he didn't hold my hands like you do, he... he hit me on my nose. He said to be quiet. Then he went to the bathroom and got sick. He didn't make dinner, he fell asleep on the floor, so I put a blanket on him and went to bed." Cas said quietly. His knees were starting to shake more then bounce, and Dean ran a hand up his arm, back and forth.

"You're doing good Cas. You let me know if you need a break." Dean said carefully.

"Yes." Cas said quickly, and Dean nodded. Cas got up and climbed on to Deans lap, and Dean scoffed as Cas made himself comfortable.

Cas leaned into him and bit his shoulder, not hard, more just setting his teeth there. It wasn't something Dean had experienced him doing before, but he figured it was some kind of new stress response.

"Meg, how about a stress ball?" Dean asked nicely, and she nodded. She got up silently and when she was back from his room, she had said object in hand.

"Here, its ok. Squeeze this, hard as you want." Dean said, letting him hold it. Cas squeezed and that seemed to help, if only a little.

They all sat silently for a minute, just letting Cas get settled again. Gabriel watched Dean, looking for signs of weakness probably. Dean was in this with him though, so he paid him no mind. Instead, he rubbed over Cas' back and held him tight.

When Cas looked up from Deans shoulder, his eyes were wet. Deans jaw clenched and he looked Cas up and down.

"You sure you want to do this? Meg can talk for you." Dean said.

"I need to. I'll tell you the bad part now." Cas whimpered. Dean nodded.

"When Bartholomew woke up, he said sorry. He said it wouldn't happen again. But he came back smelling weird again the next week. He bumped into the couch and when I asked if he was ok, he pulled my hair and hit my face. He said it wouldn't happen if I had left him alone. I hid in the closet for the night and he didn't hurt me again. He bought me juice the next day, a big bottle. He said he was sorry and he put this liquid and then this powder on my face to hide the spot. Makeup. He didn't hit me again for a little while, but every time he smelled, I hid in the closet overnight, so he didn't know where I was. He smelled and wobbled more and more." Cas said shakily.

"Cas missed a step. This dude tried to get him drunk. Made him drink a bottle of beer, and when Cas didn't like it, he sent him to bed for "wasting a bottle". That might not be important for Cas, but its something big for me. Imagine if that freak had gotten Cas really drunk, what he could have done." Gabriel said angrily.

"After that, he started punishing me. I dropped a cup of water, and he yanked my hair. I asked him why he did that, and he said it made him feel good." Cas said. Dean grimmaced.

"I-I wanna stop." Cas said quietly. Dean nodded and rubbed his back.

"Ok, you did real good. You were amazing. You rest, ok?" Dean said quietly.

"When I first heard that, I thought the guy might be using Cas as his unwilling sub in some twisted bdsm fantasy, but I was not that lucky." Meg began.

"Why? What happened?" Dean asked.

"The next thing Cas did that he wasn't happy with was that he took his pants off in public. Bartholomew dragged Cas to a bar, tried to show him "the life", what he was getting into with bad people. Cas got over stimulated. He started taking off his clothes, and Bartholomew dragged him to the back alley and beat him. His sick friends watched. Then, when all was done, he dropped Cas at the door of the hospital and left. I was assigned to watch out for him." Meg explained.

"God, that's awful." Dean breathed.

"It gets worse." Gabriel growled.

"I assessed the damage. A fractured wrist, a minor concussion, bruises, a black eye. I insisted he stay. It took a little while for him to trust me though. I had to give him pills to keep him calm, so he wouldn't scratch and flap around and hurt himself worse. When that didn't work, out came the shots. Then, just as he was starting to panic less in his new room, it's flooded with flowers and balloons. Cas is gone by nightfall." Meg snapped. Dean felt anger at that, thinking Cas would so easily go back. But, this guy had Cas wrapped around his finger.

"What happened after that?"

"He got more slaps and punches, just under clothes where no one would see. Then, I had to treat him again. He called me on a pre-paid phone I got him. He said he was bleeding. I got to the address he gave me as fast as I could, and found a cut on his side, bleeding pretty heavily. It was raw, red. Cas said it was from a belt. I don't know how much force it took, but that psycho had given it all he had multiple times. I got Cas out, and brought him back to the hospital, but once he was patched up, he left."

"Jesus, why?"

"I thought it was green. I-I felt good when he was good." Cas whimpered.

"Hey, shhh, it's ok. I'm so sorry Cas." Dean said sadly. Cas was crying silently, just letting out little squeaks, trying not to make noise.

"It happened again, with the belt for a broken mug, a few punches here and there, a real beating for trying to run when he pinned him to the bed-" Meg listed, stopped by Deans hands flying out.

"Wait wait wait, did he-"

"No. Cas got away, but he got close." Gabriel growled.

"How long did this abuse and forgiveness thing go?" Dean asked.

"After that initial hospital visit? Six months. Eleven incidents that we know of. Cas swears that's it." Meg said.

"Cas, you alright?" Dean asked. Cas was practically vibrating now.

"I think Cas needs to leave. Can he leave?" Dean asked. He had noticed Cas getting worse, but since he still didn't have his full trust, he didn't want to push it completely.

"No!" Cas yelled, grabbing onto Dean tightly.

"Ok, alright. You sure? This is awful Cas, you don't have to relive this. You can leave if you need to." Dean said quietly. Cas didn't answer, just squeezed him tighter. Dean sighed and rubbed his back.

"What happened that made it stop?" Dean asked.

"He went too far. Cas was having a bad anxiety attack. He had called me for help. When I got there, I heard yelling. Screaming. Cas was on the floor just making noise, hands flapping, the usual. The freak had a gun pointed right at Cas." Meg explained.

"What'd you do?" Dean asked.

"I happen to always carry a taser. I tased him to hell. My mistake was not securing Cas immediately. I called the police instead. While I was talking, he lost it. He grabbed a pan off the counter and knocked me out. When I woke up, Cas was standing over Bartholomew, and all that fear was... gone. It was like the wrath of heaven was in him, if you can believe it." Meg said.

"I can, after what happened this week." Dean said.

"What happened next happened to you too. He was bending Bartholomew's fingers as far back as he could. He was yelling about how it hurt, but Cas had the gun in his other hand, so he couldn't stop it." Meg said. Dean listened in shock. This Cas sounded completely different from 'his' Cas, but it was exactly who he'd seen in the apartment.

"I managed to talk him down and get him to put the weapon down, and Bartholomew ran. Only got as far as two floors before he got caught by cops. Then that was it. Bartholomew went to prison for attempted murder, among other things, like assault. Cas was found innocent of anything except defending himself, thank Christ, and then all that was left was for Cas to heal. Mentally that is." Meg said. Gabriel cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Cas checked himself into the mental ward here, voluntarily, stayed for a year, then checked himself out and went back to school. The apartment was still his. I had paid for it. Then along came you. Charlie introduced you, and when he felt like he could trust you enough, he asked you for help. We made up a story, about his old roommate moving out. That was that. You moved in. Now we're here." Gabriel finished.

"Cas, you wanna say anything?" Meg asked. Cas breathed heavily for a moment, and Dean knew he was trying to talk around the lump in his throat.

"Gabriel, Meg, leave." He whimpered. Dean scrunched his eyebrows, then nodded. Gabriel and Meg both stood, and as soon as they were gone, Cas was sobbing.

His fist was weak when it hit Deans shoulder, and instead of stopping his rhythmic punches, he just readjusted them in their seat. He rubbed his back and shushed him as he wailed, and every so often he waved at the small window in the door, letting them know it was ok.

"I've got you. You can let go Cas. Let it out now. It's my turn to take care of you again." Dean said softly. Cas grunted and squealed, going into a fit of small movements, but every time he would go to hit himself, Dean would pulls his arms back down.

At some point, Meg came in with a pill and a cup, and motioned to it. Cas didn't argue, surprisingly, and Dean held him as it kicked in.

"You sleepy yet?" Dean asked. Cas hummed.

"When you wake up, we'll be back at our home, alright?" Dean said. Cas started to struggle, but his limbs felt heavy, and his eyelids were dropping, so he slumped back against Dean.

"Don't be scared. Let it work. Just go to sleep sweetheart. It'll be ok when we get home." Dean whispered. Cas yawned and gave in, letting his eyes close completely. Dean smiled and rubbed his back. It really looked like he was holding a giant toddler, but he didn't mind.

Once Cas was properly sedated, Meg brought in a wheelchair, and they rolled him out to the car.

"I got the supervisor to give him the weighted blanket. We have three, so I convinced him we had enough to give you one. You think you need pills for home?" Meg asked.

"That's might be good, yeah." Dean said. They were small enough that Cas felt ok swallowing them, and they worked quickly.

"I'll get a prescription by the end of today. I can drop it by your place later, if you want." Meg said.

"Well... Thank you." Dean said. Meg wasn't usually this serious when it was just them.

"Gabriel is going to finish up the paperwork with me, then he's suppose to head home, but I wouldn't be surprised it he shows up at the apartment tonight to check in. He's still stressed." She said.

"We all are. Cas the most. God, if I hadn't gotten down that stupid rag, this wouldn't have happened-"

"Yes, it would. Not right away, not in that way, but it would. Now that it's over there are no more big secrets. So heal him. Make him sleep and eat, help him bathe, and take care of him when he cries. Eventually, he'll get back to semi-normal. When that happens, you only need to do one thing." Meg said.

"What?"

"Go get your unicorn."

* * *

Once they were home, Dean put Cas in his sleeping clothes, and put the weighted blanket over him. Next he cleaned up everything that had been tossed around, then made them dinner. It was only eight o' clock, and he knew Cas would be knocked out until next morning most likely, but he still made some soup and put it in the fridge.

Until Cas woke up, he had some time, so he took a shower. He cleaned himself off, but he didn't relax. Once he was dressed, he brushed his teeth and sat on the couch. At ten he decided he couldn't wait, and texted Meg and Gabriel to come later, then fell into his bed. He was asleep within minutes.

* * *

Dean awoke to Cas on the other side of the room, on the floor. He had the special blanket around him, and he was sitting as far away as possible, just staring at him.

"Hey bud- uh, sweetheart. You remember anything?" Dean asked. That felt nice to say. Instead of an answer, Cas just blinked.

"You uh, you were pretty upset. Thinking about everything. So you took that pill that Meg gave you, remember?" Dean said. Cas still didn't move.

"You want something to eat? Or drink? I bet that would make you feel a little better." Dean said. He carefully pulled the covers back and got up, cautious of his broken finger. As soon as he took a step towards Cas though, he made a noise like a growl and tried to slide back.

"Hey... I'm gonna call Meg, ok? I'll be right back." Dean said. He backed up, keeping his hands in sight, and left the room, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he was out of sight, he grabbed his phone from the counter and typed in Megs number.

"Hey, Dean, it's... Seven in the morning. What's wrong?"

"Cas, he's acting weird. I woke up and he was in the corner staring at me. He isn't talking- Jeez!" Dean yelped. Cas jumped backwards and ran to the other end of the room, blanket trailing behind him.

"Dean? Is everything ok?" Meg called.

"Yeah, he just, God, he was in the bedroom and then he was touching the back of my neck!" Dean chuckled.

"He'll be fine. He's been through an ordeal though, and doesn't remember getting home. You need to be patient with him. He might not want to make contact yet." Meg said.

"Contact?"

"Touching, talking, anything. He might be too high strung still. Give him a day, maybe a week. He'll be back to normal once he gets back into a routine, and knows he's safe." Meg explained.

"Alright. Hey, sorry to call so early. Thanks for everything. I mean really Meg, I owe you." Dean said.

"Yes you do." She said, and he could feel her smirk through the phone as she hung up.

"Cas?" Dean called quietly. He didn't turn around yet, and he could hear Cas moving.

"You wanna touch? You can if you want. I won't move." Dean said. He waited, then heard a shuffling behind him.

"Go on, it's ok."

There was a finger just barely grazing the back of his neck, then his shoulders. The touch lingered, then got more firm, moving to his waist. He pulled back for a minute then there was a touch to Deans hand. He twitched a finger, letting him know it was ok, but Cas didn't get the message. He jumped back, and Dean heard him trip. He wanted to turn and make sure he was ok, but he didn't.

"It's ok Cas. You can touch my hand. Here, you can touch." Dean said. He slowly moved his arm to point behind him, and Cas moved to meet him.

"You wanna hold? You can hold." Dean said quietly. He could hear Cas moving, then he did just that. He stood for a second, letting his hand just sit there in Deans, then pulled away completely. Dean heard more shuffling, then the bedroom door close again.

"Ok, I'll be out here." Dean called. Cas didn't answer.

"I'll get you some breakfast, ok? You want some cereal or some pancakes?" Dean asked. Still no answer.

"Ok, I'll get you a bowl of lucky charms. Milk in a cup right?" He asked, not really expecting an answer this time.

Dean walked to the counter and poured two bowls of cereal, then stuck a spoon in each. He put milk in one bowl, but for the second, he poured the milk in a cup. Cas liked to put the milk in on his own, so it didn't get soggy.

He went to the bedroom door, one bowl and the cup in his hands, then knocked with his foot.

"Hey Cas, I got breakfast for you. I can't, uh, I can't open the door. You think you can open it for me?" Dean asked. Cas didn't move.

"Ok, hang on." Dean said. He out the cereal on the floor, then opened the door a crack. He slid the cereal and milk inside the door, then shut it again.

"Your bowl is right there, just put the bowl and cup outside the door when you're done. I... I need you to eat ok? I'm still worried about you. I want you comfortable, and if you don't want to now, that's fine, just push it back outside, but you have to eat lunch." Dean said. With no answer, he backed up and went to the couch with his bowl of cereal, then plugged his earbuds into his phone.

"I'm gonna listen to some music, you tap me if you need something." Dean said, knowing Cas could hear him.

* * *

After breakfast, he fell asleep, then woke up to the sound of whining.

"Cas? 'm comin, I'm up." Dean mumbled, jumping up off the couch, then getting yanked back by his earbuds. He pulled them off and ran to the bedroom, knocking quickly before just barging in.

"Cas? I'm here, it's me. Sorry, I fell asleep. It's ok, I'm right here." Dean said through the door. The whining stopped, then there were foot steps. The door cracked open, but then Cas ran back to the corner. Dean let him settle before coming in.

"You alright? I heard a noise." Dean said. Cas blinked twice, steady, and Dean knew it was a signal, but it wasn't one they had used much.

"So... You want me to go back out? Or, stay in here? I can read a book in here if you want." Dean said. Cas blinked once.

"I... I'm sorry, I don't know what that is. One for yes, two for no, alright? You want me to stay?" Dean asked. One blink.

"Ok, I'm gonna go get something first." Dean said. He left, then came back, leaving Cas confused.

"It's a hook, for the wall. One of those that you got to hang your paintings. We've never really used one of these, huh? But you had the right idea, it's better then nails. Those are loud going into the wall." Dean said. At this point he was just talking, keeping Cas calm.

"Apparently, you take off this sticker, then just press it on... There. Now we just wait twenty-ish minutes. Once it's settles I can hang your painting. Think that'd be good?" Dean asked. Cas blinked once.

"Yeah, alright! Hey, I'll go get that book, then I'll be back, alright?" Dean said. Cas didn't move.

The dull look on Cas' face worried him. The way his jaw just barely hung open, and his eyes looked blank. But he had blinked, so he was there. He was just... A little further back inside his head. Not quite all there today. That's was ok though, it had happened before. Meg was right, he just needed time.

* * *

"Time" turned out to be much longer then he had hoped it would be. Lunch was much like breakfast. He wanted to eat alone and when he was done he pushed his plate outside the door. When Dean went to collect it, he looked inside, and Cas was in the corner again. Slack jawed expression stuck on his face.

Dinner was the same. Bed was a struggle. Cas didn't want Dean near him, so he didn't brush his teeth or comb his hair like he usually did. In fact, Dean had to scare him away from the corner long enough to put some pillows down, in case Cas fell asleep right there, which he did.

The next week went the same. Every day Dean read a little in the room with him, but around lunch he started grunting and Dean left. Food in the door, plate out the door. No hygiene at all.

Honestly Dean was worried. What if he was stuck like this? What if he just... Didn't get his grip back on reality at all? Then, he thought of something.

* * *

"Look, you're on your way with the medicine anyway, right? Please? I'll pay you back, I swear." Dean said.

"It's not the money, Dean. It would cost two bucks, that's not what I'm worried about." Meg said.

"Then what?"

"Well... If he's still this far gone, it could slow down the process. He could get your gift and use it to waste time, and think that he never has to move again."

"That won't happen. If he hasn't improved by the end of this week I'm gonna take matters into my own hands and sit in there with him anyway. I'll make him get used to me again. Honestly, that might be what he needs, is a little push. But... If my hunch is correct, all he needs is a little nudge. Just something to let him know I'm still here." Dean finished. Meg stayed silent for a minute, then sighed dramatically.

"You better have coffee for me when I get there." She said, promptly hanging up. Dean punched the air in victory.

* * *

"Cas? I got something for you." Dean called. He cracked the door open and Cas grunted.

"Meg is with me. She brought me something that I wanted to give you. I hope you like it." Dean said, walking into the room. When Cas looked up, his eyes locked onto Meg. Cas sat up, but Dean got closer, and he didn't like that.

When Cas didn't get him to back up, he tried growling like a dog, but Dean kept coming. Now he was backed into a corner, and Dean had something behind his back, and he felt scared. What if Dean was gonna hurt him? So he jumped up and he ran, pushing past Dean, and then Meg, and he heard a loud noise, but he kept running, then when he got to the back wall, he flattened himself to the ground, and covered himself with his blanket.

"You ok?" Dean asked in the bedroom, and Cas felt bad. He must have pushed Meg down. Did he hurt her? Did he hurt Dean?

"Sweetheart, it's ok. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok." Dean repeated, and Cas let him lift the blanket a little. He hummed, but it didn't scare Dean off. And then, in front of his face, was a plastic container with... Rice.

Rice?

Why did he give him rice?

"Cas, you wanna touch it? You can. It's for you to mess with. Do you want to?" Dean asked.

Cas blinked, slow and careful.

"Go ahead. It's for you."

But he couldn't. Meg looked angry, and Dean looked sad. He didn't want them to look that way. So he blinked twice.

"Why not?" Dean asked. He didn't move, couldn't. He felt frozen again, like his whole body was numb. It didn't bother him until now. It made him angry.

"Cas, hey, it's ok."

Oh, he was making that noise. But Dean looked even more sad now, and Meg looked even more angry. He stared at her trying to find a spot she was favoring, trying to see if she was hurt, but he didn't see anything.

"What is it? Meg, we should back up." Dean said.

But that's not what he wanted! He blinked quickly, more and more and more, and Dean scrunched his eyebrows.

"Is it Meg? What is it?" Dean asked. He blinked once. He tried to make his face into something they could understand, but he still felt frozen. But Dean was smart, and it was enough.

"Meg is ok buddy, she's fine. You're just trying to say sorry aren't you?" Dean asked.

He really did want to say sorry. He didn't mean to push her down. He liked Meg. So he blinked once.

Meg didn't look angry anymore. She looked surprised, but not angry. Not any more then usual anyway. Cas felt better seeing that. Dean looked better too. He wasn't smiling exactly, his mouth looked plain, but his eyes were happy. Then he could move again, and it felt like his limbs weren't numb anymore. Dean looked happy again. So Cas sat up and put his hands in the rice.

Dean let out a sigh and rubbed his face. Cas was gonna be ok.

"There you go. I just, I thought you might like it. You liked it at the hospital, so I got Meg to bring me some." Dean said. Cas blinked at him once. His signal for yes.

"Yes." Dean repeated. Cas wiggled his fingers a little.

"Yeah, you like that?" Dean asked hopefully. Cas blinked.

"Good, great. I uh, I'm glad." Dean said, trying to keep his smile away and failing.

"Well Clarence, I've got to talk to Dean now, so you can play with that, ok?" Meg said. Cas looked back towards his hands, as they walked away.

"That's... That's the most responsive he's been in days. He was in the bedroom kind of just... Grunting when we wanted something. Honestly I think seeing you might have helped." Dean said.

"Dean, that isn't exactly good. He got so scared he pushed me, which isn't good in and of itself, but the fact that he became responsive seeing me could mean he's holding on to the hospital, holding on to that mentality. He needs to break away from that." Meg said.

"I know, just trust me. If something goes wrong, you know I'll call, but I think that whole pushing thing was a good thing. I mean, not the pushing you down part, but... Meg, he got up. Every time he made a noise, I backed off. I didn't push. But I said on the phone maybe he doesn't need a push, just a nudge. I think that was his nudge." Dean said.

"Look, I think your optimism is refreshing, and I hope your right; but, if he does grip on to the unresponsive mood you were talking about, then you're screwed, he's screwed, I'm screwed. There's no winning there." Meg said.

"But he's responding! He's blinking! I mean, he was doing that a little before, but it's more now. I can see him in there, y'know? To be honest, I don't think the rice did anything, but if all it does is cheer him up, that's good enough for me." Dean said.

"Well, I hope it goes well after I leave then, I do. But if he isn't better by the end of the week... You might need to bring him back to the hospital." Meg said. Deans smile went away as she handed him the prescription bag, and picked up her cup of coffee from the counter.

"Good luck, Dean." She said, walking away from him.

"Goodbye Clarence." She called, not waiting for an answer.

* * *

Cas didn't want to move for bed time, but now that he was moving, Dean had to get him into an actual bed. He tried to call him, then to tempt him with his bear, but he didn't move. He stared at the rice, not moving anything but his fingers.

"Cas, please. Please... I don't want you to go away." Dean said finally. Cas looked up.

"Meg says... If you aren't feeling any better in a week that you'll have to go back to the hospital. To stay away from me until you get back into it. I know what she's thinking, she thinks you're still afraid of me. I don't know, maybe you are. Maybe you still don't trust me, because you trusted the last guy and look what he did!" Dean ranted. Cas watched him intently.

"I'm trying Cas... I'm trying to make you happy, and keep you safe. I've been trying, and I know you go quiet, and I know you can't help it, but I miss your voice so damn much. I screwed up, and then it hurt you. I... I want you here Cas, not like this, but actually here. Not stuck in your own head. I want you to feel safe, and loved, and be here. But instead your scared, and stuck inside there, and I can't do anything about it." Dean said sadly.

Cas felt awful. He didn't want to see Dean sad, but in the last few months it had gotten bad, and Dean had even cried. Now his eyes were sad, and all because he didn't want to move yet.

Cas tried to speak, he really did, but he just couldn't, the words felt trapped in his mouth. He made noise, but Dean tried to stop him, tried to tell him it was ok. His arms were working now and he wanted to hug Dean, to make him feel better, but he couldn't. Flashes of Bartholomew lit up in his head and he jumped up off the floor, hands flapping.

This wasn't right, this wasn't right, Dean isn't him! But as much as he thought it, his body betrayed him, and he kept flapping.

"Hey, it's ok. Cas, please, please calm down. Try to take a deep breath, can you do that? I'm sorry, I can back up, but you gotta get calm before I can go away." Dean said.

He didn't want Dean to go away, he wanted him closer! He wanted to sleep with him and eat with him and take a bath and brush his teeth and do all the things he usually did. He wanted all of it back, and his body wasn't doing it right, it wasn't cooperating!

He had to do something. He had to tell Dean he was ok. He had to tell him he was just flapping. He had to tell him that he was still there, and felt safe, but he was scared anyway. He had to let him know.

He hugged him. He stomped towards Dean and grabbed him and then flew back, hands flapping even worse now, because he didn't want touch yet, he couldn't yet! But he had to show Dean it was ok. He was ok. So he backed up as fast as he could and went to his bed.

Dean stood frozen where he was. Cas had hugged him. Cas had initiated touch. Maybe it would be ok. He just needed way more time. He needed more then a week, and Dean could hold Meg off, and he would get better.

Right now, Cas didn't want to touch, or be around him yet. He didn't want to be here, but he had to. He stank and he still had on the same clothes Dean had put on him when he got home, but that would be ok for now.

Cas had moved though. He had run past Meg, and now he had run past Dean, and he was moving again. He wasn't mindlessly sitting in a corner and only getting up to use the bathroom. He was moving. Touching would take another few days. Maybe talking would take longer. He was getting better though, which was good enough.

* * *

As Dean predicted, it took another week for Cas to show any signs of change. Meg called to see if he would be coming back, but Dean begged for more time. After all, he was improving little by little.

Cas was sitting beside him on the couch, hands buried in his rice, blanket over his shoulders. He looked adorable, tousled hair and clean socks. Dean hadn't gotten him to change clothes or bathe yet, but that was coming.

"Cas, listen, I've run out of books. Do you think, I mean, would you be ok with Kevin bringing me something from the library?" Dean asked. Cas looked up at him. His eyes were sharp but in that blue gaze Dean saw nervousness.

"It's ok. No more jealous. Me and Kevin are friends now. I think." Dean said. Cas blinked once, just slow enough for Dean to know it was a signal, and Dean pulled out his phone. He shot off a quick text, and then settled back on his phone. When it beeped, he spoke up.

"Kevin can be here in a couple of hours." Dean announced. Cas fidgeted, but didn't give any other reaction.

* * *

"Hey, Dean. Is uh, is Cas here?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah, listen. I don't think it's a good idea for you to see him. He's kind of... He's still pretty messed up." Dean said.

"I know, I just think I need to get it out of the way, y'know?" Kevin said.

"What?"

"Breaking up."

"Oh shit, I forgot about that. Sorry, yeah, come on in. You just gotta be gentle. And don't get too close. Give him some distance. He's not talking right now. It's blinks I guess. One for yes, two for no." Dean explained.

"Got it. I think. Where is he?" Kevin asked.

"In the bedroom, playing with rice." Dean said, smiling fondly.

"Nice. I mean, y'know. Not how I'd spend a day, but cool." Kevin said, earning a chuckle from Dean.

"Hey, we're good right? I mean, you tried to kill me, I stole your guy, but we're over that, right?" Kevin asked shyly.

"Yeah, we're over that." Dean said, slapping him on the back. Kevin smiled and handed him his books.

"I'll be back in a minute I guess. Wish me luck." He said, then walked towards the bedroom.

Kevin opened the door slowly, not really sure what to expect. There was nothing out of the ordinary though. A few pillows on the floor, but nothing catastrophic. On the bed was Cas, sitting with his legs crossed, and a blanket over his shoulders. The same one from the hospital in fact. In his lap was container of dry rice.

"Hey Cas, it's Kevin. I uh, I need to talk to you. Is it ok if I talk?" Kevin asked. Cas looked up and blinked. Slow, deliberate.

"Ok. Well... The thing is... Cas, when two people are in a relationship, they're usually exclusive. Just them. We're in a relationship, and-" Kevin stopped. Cas was blinking rapidly.

"What, what is it?" Kevin asked. Two slow blinks.

"No? We're _not ___in a relationship?" Kevin asked. One blink.

"So _you're ___breaking up with _me? ___" Kevin asked. Cas blinked once.

__"Wow, ok. That was easy. So, no hard feelings then?" Kevin asked. Cas sat completely still, then there was a tiny twitch of his eyebrows._ _

__"It um, it means like, no bad feelings. So I'm asking if you'll have bad feelings about this." Kevin explained. Two blinks._ _

__"So, you're happy then?" Kevin asked. Cas blinked once._ _

__"Good. Cool." Kevin said. Honestly he hadn't expected that to go as well as it did. It almost made him sad. Cas must have caught on, because he started blinking again._ _

__"It's just, I'm just a little sad is all. But it's ok. This is an ok sad. I'm happy for you and Dean. I'm glad you'll both be happy together. But... Can I still see you some time? Maybe we could still go on walks some time, just not as a date?" Kevin said, question in his tone. Cas blinked once._ _

__"Great, I'm glad. I'll let you get back to your rice then. Bye Cas." He said easily, waving before he left. Cas blinked once, and Kevin turned and walked out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him._ _

__"How did it go?" Dean asked._ _

__"Honestly? I went in to break up with him... and I think he just broke up with me."_ _

* * *

__It surprised him when it happened. It was a Thursday, a few days after Kevin had come over. Cas sat there, staring at the tv, which was turned off, while Dean read his book._ _

__All of a sudden, Dean felt the light brush of fingers over his knee. His eyes flicked up, but Cas wasn't looking at him, so he looked back at his page. He wasn't reading now though, just waiting._ _

__Sure enough, Cas touched him again, his elbow this time. Dean looked up again, but Cas wouldn't make eye contact. His cheeks were red and his breathing was picking up._ _

__"Cas? You think you're gonna panic?" Dean asked quietly. Cas hadn't moved his hand yet, and it looked like he was deciding whether to or not._ _

__"It's ok. I can keep reading. Take your time." Dean said, lifting the book a little more._ _

__He did eventually. He read the same page twice before he actually could focus on it again, all the while Cas' hand still on his elbow. Then, in a flash, Cas knocked the book out of his hand, and pointed towards the bathroom. Dean was too surprised to care that he had lost his page._ _

__"You want me to go with you?" Dean asked quietly. Cas nodded. That was new too, the nodding. A good sign though._ _

__As soon as Cas stood up, Dean was up too. He followed Cas to the bathroom door, where he stopped abruptly._ _

__"You... Wanna think about it first?" Dean asked carefully. He definitely didn't want to change his mind if he was doing what Dean thought he was doing. Cas had smelled awful for days. Then again, if he was just going to go in there, get undressed, and start to panic, Dean could wait._ _

__Cas shook his head. He looked back at Dean and squinted, then walked in the bathroom. Dean waited for a moment, letting him get used to the idea that he was going to do this, then watched him pull his shirt off. But he stopped, and just stared. Dean turned on the fan, he always liked that, but that wasn't it._ _

__"What is it?" Dean asked. Cas looked at him, then the shower, then back at him._ _

__"You- you want me in there? With you?" Dean asked. Cas nodded._ _

__"Cas, I can't." Dean said sadly. Cas stared for a minute, then a look of utter disappointment went over his face, like he might cry right there._ _

__"Hey hey hey, no, don't do that. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't. Cas, you there?" Dean asked. Cas looked up through his lashes at him, and Dean smiled. He couldn't touch Cas, couldn't ground him, but he needed him to hear._ _

__"Sweetheart, you're still healing. Emotionally, I mean. You barely wanna be in the same room with me. I know you touched me today, and that's good. And the nodding, that's very good. But showering together is a big jump from there. Cas, you still listening?" Dean asked. Cas nodded. He looked like he was staring into space, but he was still listening._ _

__"It's just that, that's very... Intimate. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you. I don't want to slow down your progress by scaring you off now. You understand?" Dean asked. Cas scrunched his eyebrows and squinted, making Dean snort out a laugh._ _

__"You know you're cute when you do that." Dean grinned. Cas blushed and shrugged, which did make Dean full on laugh._ _

__"Cas, there is nothing I would love more right now then to get in there with you. But you're still sensitive. I don't wanna hurt you. Tell you what, we can do that later, ok? Not today or anything, it might be a few weeks, but as soon as I know for sure that you're ok, then we'll do this, alright?" Dean said. Cas thought for a minute, then nodded._ _

__"Good. In the mean time, you wanna jump in and I'll wash your hair for you?" Dean asked. Cas didn't respond._ _

__"You alright?" Dean asked. Cas lifted his hands like he was going to sign something, then shook them out. He lifted them again, but again, the same response._ _

__"Hey, it's ok. I know you can't talk right now. Let me guess what you want, ok?" Dean said. Cas nodded._ _

__"You want... Some bubbles? I know you love bubbles." Dean said. Cas nodded enthusiastically._ _

__"And... Your duck sponge?" Dean said. Cas nodded again. His feet tapped a little, like an excited kid, and Dean grinned._ _

__The duck sponge was something Cas had brought into the apartment himself. It had one of those Pom-Pom scrubbing things on the bottom of a large rubber duck, and it floated in the water. He found it at some retail shop and said it was easier to hold, and he liked it. Dean always put it under the sink so it wouldn't get lost._ _

__"Bet you missed bath time, huh? Go ahead, get undressed, I'll get the water right." Dean said, passing him in the cramped space. Cas began stripping again, while Dean sat on the edge of the tub and felt the water._ _

__"Ok, feels ready. I'm putting in the bubbles now." Dean said, as he plugged the drain. Cas tapped his feet again and stepped behind Dean to sit down in the rising water._ _

__"Here they come." Dean said, pouring the liquid in the running water. Cas watched with curiosity as the bubbles started to grow, and Dean smiled. He loved that look of wonder Cas got at the simplest things._ _

__"I'm gonna get the duck and headband." Dean said. Cas didn't pay him any attention._ _

__The headband was something else Cas had with him, but it was something he said Gabriel bought him a long time ago. It was a strange thing, like a visor sort of. It was rubber and had a wide edge that dipped in. You put it on over your forehead, and the edge around it caught water, so it stopped it from touching your face and ears._ _

__Dean pulled the two items from the cabinet under the sink and put them in the tub. Cas was too caught up in the bubbles to notice, but Dean didn't mind. He could let Cas relax for a few minutes before washing off._ _

__As he let the water fill more though, he noticed Cas no longer was looking at the bubbles, but at him instead. Dean smiled and waved at him, but of course Cas didn't react._ _

__"You alright? I can go if you don't want me in here." He said. He wanted nothing more then to stay and make sure he didn't drown or flood the apartment, but if Cas really wanted him gone he would go._ _

__Then, Cas blinked, slow and steady. Two blinks for no. Dean dipped his head and looked away. They were back to blinking. Cas was getting nervous again._ _

__"You want to wash now?" Dean asked, as Cas stared. A blink._ _

__"Ok. Here, you want to do it yourself, or want me to?" Dean asked. Cas didn't move. Right, yes or no._ _

__"Uh, you think you can do it yourself?" Dean asked. Cas didn't answer. He looked away. He stared at the bubbles, and Dean waited._ _

__He was rewarded, after a few minutes, with two blinks. Cas had thought through it, so Dean knew it wasn't a question of whether Cas could do it himself or not. It was a question of whether he was going to let Dean touch him enough to do it._ _

__"Ok, I need the duck and the soap. I'm gonna reach over you to get them, ok?" Dean said. Cas took a deep breath, and Dean knew he'd heard._ _

__He stood up and reached over Cas slowly, keeping both hands in sight. When he reached into the bubbles for the duck sponge, Cas froze up. Deans picked it up and pulled away, giving him a minute. Cas blinked but it could just be the natural blinking._ _

__"You ready?" Dean asked. Cas looked over._ _

__"Alright. Left just start under your arms. If that's all we do I'll be happy, ok?" Dean said quietly._ _

__Cas lifted his arm up and held it there. Dean scrunched his nose against the smell of body odor. He turned off the water, and let Cas get used to the noise loss before he moved again._ _

__"Jeez dude, these armpits are powerful." Dean said. He thought Cas' lip might have twitched._ _

__He opened the liquid soap and poured on a little, then worked it into a lather. He held the duck firmly in his hand, and gently touched Cas' arm. When he didn't move, Dean started to clean. He scrubbed and scrubbed, rinsed the scrunchie, then put more soap on and scrubbed again. He twirled his finger and Cas turned, letting him do the other side as well._ _

__"Man, that is gonna be so much better, I'm telling you. Do you wanna do any more, or do you need to stop there?" Dean asked. Cas blinked._ _

__"Alright, stand up, I'll get your legs." Dean said._ _

__Cas didn't move for a second, and Dean almost thought he had gone too far, when Cas stood up._ _

__Cas had no problems with being naked in the house, but in the tub, he seemed to think was a different thing. He covered his front bashfully and barely spread his legs._ _

__"Alright, you sit back down if you need to. I'm gonna do your feet first. Hold on to the wall handle." Dean said. Cas did and he picked up each foot for Dean, which he was impressed with. It wasn't verbal, but it was recognition, cooperation, and at least a little trust. He was definitely improving._ _

__"Now I'm going to shins and knees. Just shins and knees, and the back of your leg." Dean said. He did just that, going up and down with the soapy sponge-duck._ _

__"Cas... I need to go further up. Or I could skip it. You're choice. You want me to wash there?" Dean asked._ _

__Cas didn't answer at first. He showed emotions in his eyes, and Dean could see the fear there, but also the debate. The good mood he was in from before the bath was replaced with tension._ _

__"You think about it while I do your body, how about that?" Dean asked. Cas blinked._ _

__Dean moved slow, going over Cas' back first, then his shoulders and chest. He ran the suds along Cas' arms, and his sides, then to his stomach. Then, he stopped. Cas was clenching his jaw._ _

__"What is it?" Dean asked. Cas blinked once._ _

__"Ok... Alright. I'll be quick, it's ok. I won't hurt you, I promise." Dean said quietly. He sat down on the edge of the tub and was right at eye level with Cas' dick, but he ignored it._ _

__Cas had his fists balled at his sides, and Dean stopped. He reached up and touched Cas' hand, and Cas jumped, then put it back down to touch Dean._ _

__"It's ok. I won't do anything near there." Dean said. Cas relaxed a fraction._ _

__"Ok, I'm gonna start now. Right leg, left leg."_ _

__Gently, Deans fingers brushed the inside of Cas' thigh. He ran the scrunchie bath duck over his leg, then the back of his leg, then more gently on his inner thighs. He switched to Cas' other leg, doing the exact same. Cas slammed back down in the water before he could say anything._ _

__Dean blinked, looking at the water now on the floor, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. Cas looked terrified, and that was what he needed to focus on. He looked surprised actually, more then anything, eyes wide and confused._ _

__"What is it? I'm sorry, I should have been quicker. You ok?" Dean asked. Cas looked down in the water. Oh._ _

__"It's ok, it's alright. I'm not, it's natural Cas. It just happens, with touching. Doesn't mean anything. Cas, you there?" Dean asked. Cas looked up again, shy and a little red. Dean smiled at him._ _

__"It doesn't mean anything. It's ok. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have washed your legs at all. It'll go away in a few minutes, just don't think about it." Dean said. Cas blinked once and looked back at the bubbles. His eyes looked dull again._ _

__"Cas, you there? Are you gonna need... You need Meg again?" Dean asked. Cas blinked twice._ _

__"Ok... Come on, let's get you out. You can wash your hair another time." Dean said quickly. Cas didn't move._ _

__"I can leave, do you want me to leave?" Dean asked. Two blinks._ _

__"Don't you want to get out?" Dean asked. Still, Cas didn't move more then to blink for no._ _

__"Well, then do you want to do your hair?" Dean asked. Cas looked over at him._ _

__"Ok. I need to reach over and get the shampoo, then I'll need the handle." Dean said._ _

__"The handle" was something Cas had gotten installed in their bath. It was a removable shower head that made it easier for Dean to wash his hair. Cas had gotten it after Dean complained one-too-many times about reaching in the shower to scrub his friends hair for him._ _

__Dean reached over Cas and got the handle first, then turned on the water and squeezed the trigger. Cas leaned away, then eased backwards as he got used to the spray._ _

__"Put on your hat and turn around." Dean said. Cas followed his instructions and waited._ _

__"Tilt up, look at the stars." Dean said. Cas had put star stickers above the bath a long time ago. It helped Dean, so he figured, whatever. He can deal with peeling them off when they leave campus, and that won't be any time soon._ _

__Dean wet Cas' hair easily, then squirted the shampoo and conditioner mix on his head. Now came the harder bit._ _

__"I need to scrub it in. I need to touch again." Dean said. Cas took off his visor and Dean nodded._ _

__Gently, he buried his fingers in Cas' hair. He moved them around, not putting too much pressure until Cas started to relax. Then, he scratched at his scalp to get rid of dry skin and ease some of his tension. Cas leaned back into his touch._ _

__"Ok sweetheart, time to tilt up again. Put that hat back on, so I can rinse." Dean said. Cas froze up._ _

__"What? What's-" Dean was cut off as Cas started flailing. He scrunched his eyes shut and flapped his hands, but he didn't make any noise._ _

__"Oh, hey, there soap in your eye? Oh hey, hey, hey, easy. Open up your eye, open wide. Let me rinse it." Dean said quickly. He turned on the main faucet and picked up his washcloth of the side of the tub, getting it wet quickly._ _

__"Open wide, I'm sorry." Dean said. He pulled Cas' eye open and squeezed the cloth, letting the clean water drop in his eye. Cas hated the feeling, and reeled back immediately._ _

__"I know, I'm so sorry. Blink real fast. Blink blink blink come on." Dean encouraged. Cas did just that, and his hands started to calm down, though they now rubbed at his eye._ _

__"I know, I know that hurts. I'm sorry, we tried to keep that nasty soap out." Dean smiled weakly. Cas looked up at him. Even with his eye red and his hair sticking up, full of foam, he looked gorgeous._ _

__"You ok? Do you need the washcloth?" Dean asked. Cas blinked twice, and tilted back again. Ok then, moving on._ _

__"Ok, let's try this again."_ _

* * *

__After rinsing and going to get Cas' a new pair of clothes, Dean left the room. He listened on the other side of the door as Cas changed clothes, then waited. He wasn't moving._ _

__"Cas? You alright?" Dean asked. The door swung open, and Deans eyes landed on the tooth brush in Cas' hand._ _

__"Yeah, go for it." Dean said. Cas backed up into the bathroom and shut the door on him. Guess he wasn't invited._ _

__After a few minutes, Cas came back out. He had a towel around his head, and Dean smiled._ _

__"You want me to read to you? Or you can take a nap, you look sleepy." Dean said. Cas yawned and rubbed his eye._ _

__"Ok, nap it is. Come on, let's lay you down." Dean said. He ushered Cas into the bedroom and pointed towards Cas' bed, but he stood his ground._ _

__"You- you want to nap in the living room?" Dean asked. He shook his head. They were back to head movement, good._ _

__"Where then?" Dean asked. Cas just shook his head. Dean squinted and was about to ask, when Cas reached down towards his hand. He stopped and pulled back before making contact, but Dean knew what he wanted._ _

__"Cas, you sure? You made some good progress today, you don't need to dive right back in." Dean said. Cas nodded._ _

__"Alright, if you're positive." Dean said._ _

__Cas went to his bed first, then Dean climbed in beside him. Cas had his head pressed to his bear, and he didn't get any closer, but he allowed Dean to pull the blanket over them both._ _

__"Go to sleep now. I won't get closer." Dean said. Cas nodded and shut his eyes._ _

* * *

__Over the next few days, Cas got better. He brushed his teeth, and although he forgot to brush his hair, Dean counted it as a win. Smell was better then looks anyway._ _

__Cas made Dean sleep with him every night, but Dean made sure he stayed on his side by keeping a small pillow between them. Cas seemed thankful at first, but then after the fourth day, he couldn't take it._ _

__"Cas, what's wrong?" Dean asked. Cas didn't answer. He sat up and, without a word, hurled the pillow across the room. Dean stared after it, then looked back at Cas._ _

__"Buddy, you alright? You need me to get up?" Dean asked. Cas reached out and grabbed his hand._ _

__Dean sat very still. This was new. Not new, but new since the incident. Good, but Cas still looked frustrated._ _

__"Cas, sweetheart, lay back. We don't need it there if you think you're ok. I put it there so we wouldn't touch too much, for you. Do you think you're ready to touch?" Dean asked. Cas nodded._ _

__"Alright. Yeah, let's lay down." Dean said, holding back his excitement._ _

__Dean laid back first, then Cas moved towards him. He hesitated, but eventually decided on putting his head on Deans chest instead of his bear. Instead, the bear was put between their bodies._ _

__"This ok?" Dean asked. It was a little bit of an awkward position, but they were both comfy enough, and Cas was relaxing._ _

__When Cas nodded, Dean smiled._ _

* * *

__Dean opened his eyes the next morning to an empty bed. His head immediately went to bad thoughts. What if Cas ran away? What if he was hurt? What if he was freaking out somewhere?_ _

__Dean jumped out of bed and ran through the bedroom, stopping abruptly. Cas was sitting at the kitchen table. There was a cup in his hand, but nothing in it._ _

__"Hey Cas. You want something to drink?" Dean asked. Cas nodded and looked at the counter. The chocolate syrup was out, beside a spoon. Dean breathed out a sigh of relief._ _

__"You want some chocolate milk?" Dean asked. Cas nodded._ _

__"Ok, hang on, I'll make it for you." Dean said. He went to the fridge and pulled out the milk, then turned and took the cup from Cas' hand._ _

__"How are you this morning?" Dean asked, not expecting an answer. He poured the milk, then the chocolate syrup. As he started to stir it, arms wrapped around his waist._ _

__"Hello Dean."_ _

__Dean breathed in shakily and hung his head. He slid the cup aside and gripped the edge of the counter._ _

__"Damn I've missed your voice." Dean said quietly. He turned in Cas' arms to look at his face._ _

__Cas was smiling._ _

__"Can I kiss you- or- is it too soon? Would that be ok?"_ _

__"You may."_ _

__Dean leaned forward and their lips met gently. Deans hand snaked around Cas' waist and Cas put his hands on Deans arms._ _

__"My voice is back. I woke up and I tried to talk to you and I did, but you were asleep." Cas explained._ _

__"It's ok, I'm awake now. I can hear you." Dean smiled. Cas nodded and his hands moved up and down Deans arms._ _

__"I really enjoy your company, and I enjoy kissing you. Are you my boyfriend? Can you be my permanent boyfriend?" Cas asked. Dean smiled and looked down, his cheeks turning pink._ _

__"Cas, I think we already were boyfriends. But as an answer, yes, I will be your permanent boyfriend." Dean said. Cas grinned ear to ear, and Dean laughed, then kissed his forehead._ _

__"God, I missed hearing you talk. Talk to me again. Tell me something." Dean said eagerly._ _

__"We're out of cereal."_ _

__Dean leaned back in a fit of giggles, and Cas smiled at him._ _

__"Tell me something else."_ _

__"I love you."_ _

__"I love you too." Dean smiled, taking Cas' hands._ _

__"Can I have my chocolate milk now?" Cas asked._ _

__"Yeah, fuck Cas, you can have whatever you want." Dean laughed._ _

__"Can I have fruit and waffles for breakfast?" Cas asked._ _

__"Absolutely. Let me get out the plates."_ _

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote out this heartfelt message and my draft didn't save, so here I go again.  
> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this series. I was so genuinely surprised that so many people liked this. It was probably my most commented on series of works.  
> As for thanks and stuff, I saw a fic one day titled "Of Shampoo and Fruit Flies" and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I later searched through the tags and realized there weren't a lot of fics like it. I decided to write one myself. So all this started from a great work by almaasi. Go check her out, and read some of her fics, she's amazing.  
> If you want to, kudos and maybe even comment, because they do make my days brighter!  
> Now go get some rest, because you probably just ended up here and read and read and now OOPS IT'S THREE AM. (I'm flattered.)  
> As for any further works from this series, I may do little ficlets but this story arch is officially over.  
> Love you beauties!


End file.
